Welcome to Psych Central, ChadDuncanChiu.  Since you mentioned struggling with suicidal thoughts, I wanted to offer you links some articles, from Psych Central's archives, that (hopefully may be of some help:
Suicidal? Don't Throw Away Your Shot
Suicidal? What Van Gogh's Life Can Teach You
How to Survive Suicidal Thoughts
How Suicidal Thoughts Can Become a Coping Mechanism
My best wishes to you... 
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"I may be older but I am not wise / I'm still a child's grown-up disguise / and I never can tell you what you want to know / You will find out as you go." (from: "A Nightengale's Lullaby" - Julie Last)
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