This isn't something I've worked out in my head, I don't know exactly how I'm going to end up typing this all out, but honestly I've prepared to be a complete asshole, I guess that's your warning.
To begin with, I know what I've been diagnosed with so far, I've been consistently seeing someone for about 6 years now, I begin to question whether some are right, or some just haven't been addressed, but I feel like I know what the majority of my symptoms are. Yet at the same time I can't pinpoint the absolute beginning, which is frustrating.
Of course it's in the title, it's frustrating. What I find particularly obnoxious is any amount of positivity. I'm immature and stubborn. I don't want to be told "it get's better" First of all define better. If I was buried ten feet in the ground and managed to dig my way back up two, yeah that's "better", but I sill have 8 feet of dirt and worms above me. For that matter define "it" does anyone actually know what the it is? Life? Experiences? Go ahead tell me that someday rainbows will pop up and nothing bad will ever happen again. Except you can't, not even the most positive of people can. That's not unrealistic on a fairy tale level that's unrealistic on an incomprehensible level. I have no interest in waiting to see just in case. Everyone said "it will get better" 5 years ago. Everyone said "it will get better" 15 years ago, and the opposite happened.
Do I dare to bring religion into this? I'm just going to avoid thinking too hard about that. I am simultaneously hoping there is not God, and thus no kind of afterlife....But then I grew up in a strict Christian community, it's hard to completely wipe that all out of my life. But I still hate it, because I don't even like this life, why would I want another? Frustrating is have those two thoughts living next to each other.
It really just wants to come down to the idea that life and everything in it is utterly pointless, without rhyme of reason and certainly not any sort of hope.
Honestly I can't really state what the point of typing it all is, because over the many years I've been posting in forums like this I have yet to believe anything I've been told in response, same basic principle with therapists. I guess that saying SOMETHING indicates a desire to change, but then to me that sounds like something you'd read to a 5 year old while putting them to bed, it's not in any way realistic or achievable by human standards. And I guess that is what's most frustrating.