Quote:
Originally Posted by Michael2Wolves
Yeah, I pretty much analyze everything around me, constantly. I [I]read[I] people, and when I'm sitting alone, part of my mind is off to itself, busily analyzing, examining, and breaking down everything everyone said to me, how they said it, and why they said it.
Doing that, I've become more and more aware of just how on the fringe I live, just how close to the edge I am because I realize over and over that I cannot trust anyone.
Additionally, I have legal issues I have to live with, which further limits my ability for social interaction. I actually came up with the perfect way to phrase it in one of my poems:
Don't invite me in
or try to be my friend--
what has a new beginning
to do with an end?
I am an end. A non-person in the eyes of the law and society. I don't exist at all but for the tax revenue I generate. That's it. I am a ghost in the machine because I made decisions as a child that I now have to live with the consequences of as an adult. And being aware of just how much of a non-person I am is an every day thing, but holidays are worse. I have grown to hate all holidays because I don't need my face rubbed in everyone else's happiness. Go be happy somewhere else. Christmas is the worst.
What's more, I'm completely estranged from my family--cousins, mostly, as I have only one uncle with no kids and no aunts. Don't talk to any of them. Barely talk to my own mother. I've lost the ability to have a normal disagreement and not have it turn into a fight. I never had the opportunity to learn to socialize as an adult because I spent 17-33 incarcerated. What is normal? Normality to me is just another day being miserable.
And again, one doesn't make an effort towards a goal that is unobtainable. Just as socialism kills innovation and ambition, so, too, has life's setbacks in the six years I've been "free" killed my desire to socialize, or even take care of myself, really. Pretty sure most of my teeth have cavities, I can barely get my laundry done, and have no desire to go see doctors for the chest pains and ulcer.
I have nothing to aspire to because there is nothing left for me to aspire to it. I am forever trapped on this side, while everyone else is on that side. Not a moment goes by where I am not keenly aware of my tenuous position in this world and how easily I could be removed from it without anyone missing me or caring.
Therapy is not an option for a host of reasons both logistical and psychological, and there is no one else to turn to. Everyone leaves in the end, anyway. This is a rule of life. Everyone leaves, and in the end, there will only be myself, standing alone because I am not pleasant to be around (even when I try), and I'm volatile. This site is pretty much it for me, end-of-the-road, last stop on the train to nowhere.
I just wish I would have known the last stop would arrive so quickly.
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I'm sorry you're going through all of that. I can't imagine what that's like.
Even if you didn't have issues with trust before and were perfectly "normal," I can't imagine what that length of time being incarcerated did to you or would do to anyone for that matter. I'm sure it seriously strained your ability to look at others the same again, either just as human beings or people you could eventually let your guard down for and trust.
From my experience having family and patients with mental health issues who I've worked with and have also spent various lengths of time in the legal system (criminal and forensic), a lot of people in jail/prison pretty much have to become incredibly suspicious and trust no one as a form of survival, even if they're not naturally that way, because you never know if anyone is just a straight up liar, opportunistic predator, or sociopath/psychopath.
Then, on top of that, more and more of the people who get caught up and trapped in our legal system have varying degrees of mental illness and if they weren't getting appropriate access to treatment on the outside (or didn't accept it when offered), it's pretty unlikely that's going to change once they get locked up and they can be very unpredictable or violent.
Obviously, that's not to say that mental illness and violence go hand-in-hand. I've worked on a locked inpatient unit for people with severe mental illness for almost ten years and can probably count on two hands the number of patients that I genuinely believe tried to hurt me, a coworker, or another patient (and in most cases had nothing to do with Axis I disorders and everything to do with Axis II/personality disorders and avoiding the police after committing a crime, homeless and looking for three hots & a cot, drugs, etc., and never should've been admitted in the first place).
Anyway, sorry, I got off on a bit of a tangent. If you don't mind me asking, what related to your legal troubles makes it difficult to be social? You don't have to be specific or even answer it. I'm just curious. Does it have more to do with being incarcerated, having a record, trying to find employment, etc. or more like having to talk to police every time you move to a new place?
As for being a non-person in society's eyes, I have to politely disagree. At least from my perspective, assuming whatever you did in the past you've been able to reconcile, show remorse, and now actively try to be a better person, I think everyone deserves a chance to redeem themselves. I mean, if I didn't believe that was true for you, I don't know how I could for myself. Because while I may not have done anything to get myself locked up, I've done things over the years that I'm not proud of and have done considerable damage to my personal relationships and professional career.
I can definitely relate to not having any kind of connection with family though. Once I graduated high school and then again when my grandmother passed away ten years ago (she was the sort of social glue that held the family together), things just kind of fell apart. And even when I was younger, things weren't exactly great because my dad was pretty emotionally abusive growing up (I ultimately think he was trying to do right by me, but had his own issues never had a father growing up, so he didn't learn how to be one, you know) and I still resent my mom to this day for not protecting me. Plus, while I am proud of some things I've done in my life, I'm not terribly proud of where I am right now and the thought of talking to family and having that generic "so how's life?" smalltalk just fills me with dread.
Have you ever considered or tried to reconnect with family? I know one thing I've learned with stuff like that, aside from time healing most wounds, is that sometimes your version of what happened is much worse than other people see it and the longer you go know not reaching out to people, the harder it is to the point that sometimes you forget what even happened to get you there; you just know that you and that person don't talk anymore.
Yes, everyone does leave you in the end (in a sense), but a lot of times it's not willful or malicious. Stuff happens in people's lives that changes things — they get married, have a kid, move states — or sometimes just pass away. I also thinks it's a very natural life progression on some level, especially for men, who aren't terribly social animals by nature — not in the way most women are at least in that they have a network of support from a significant other to parents to extended family to friends whereas a lot of times guys might just have their significant other and maybe one or two good friends (that they don't see in person anymore because life happens).
What do you think happens or what do you think you do that makes you feel people find you unpleasant to be around? Do you overreact? Have a temper? What?