@StreetcarBlanche

I'm 45, and I get nervous around authority figures, and setting boundaries with them, or even asserting myself (in a non-aggressive way, but assertive) is challenging for me. It's the emotional abuse that comes from gaslighting, stonewalling, or outright attacks after asserting your boundary that is what I'm afraid of, but then boundary setting becomes tied with that, so yes, it's easy to be afraid of both. If I feel that I'm afraid to set a boundary with a person at my level (not at an authoritative level), I either end the relationship or I assert the boundary to see what happens. With authority figures, however, it's hard for me to assert my needs and to set appropriate boundaries when they are out of line (e.g., unethical, harassing, criminal, abusive, etc.); authority figures hold such power!

You seem like you value yourself enough to set boundaries. Maybe you need new friends or surroundings, or if they are family members, maybe it speaks to their unresolved dysfunctions. We cannot change others, but if we notice that they disrespect our boundaries again and again, it means they aren't the healthiest for us to be around. If they are in the workplace, or if they are your roommates, that makes it all the more challenging! You'd have to make a decision whether you want to maintain a relationship with those people or not.

Now, that said, some people put up walls instead of boundaries; or, others consider boundaries a demand for others to do something or act only a certain way around you; such are not boundaries. For instance, a wall (not a boundary) is when I tell a person that I only want to speak with them when they are in a good and happy mood, and if they only say positive things to me. That restricts a person's authenticity and becomes a rigid demand. People need to be authentic around others, especially those whom they are in a friendship or other relationship with. People, including you, have a right to feel upset (without attacking) and to discuss what is bothering them. It is up to the parties to communicate, compromise, and/or work things out somehow - or end the relationship if there are too many differences. I once had a family member tell me that she would only speak to me if I agreed to be a certain type of voter, or if I were a certain religion. That is a demand, and a wall really, which I feel is not a boundary. It's a request that disrespects my authenticity and my choices. It actually disrespects my boundary "to be," so no, I will not abide by those rigid requests/demands/rules.

See what kind of people and circumstances you are referring to when you feel fear about asserting your boundaries?

Are they the right people to hang out with?

Are you asserting your boundaries in a demanding tone?

Are you putting up walls instead of boundaries?

Can you break off relationships that are not aligned with your goals for a relationship? Can you find new relationships that are more in line with your goals for a relationship (friendship, otherwise)?

Can you break off relationships that are toxic, unhealthy, or unbalanced in some way?

Can you minimize your contact with those who are toxic, unhealthy, or unbalanced?

Did your relationships begin with a mutual respect of boundaries and then change later on? Why was that? Is there a way to get the relationship back to where it was?

What specific words, phrases, and responses are you frightened of when you assert your boundaries?

What specific words, phrases, tones, and body language are you utilizing when you assert your boundaries? Could they be rephrased differently?

I hope some of these suggestions help. Take what works, toss what doesn't.

(((Meanwhile, safe hugs)))