I guess the best, most succinct way to sum up my problems would be to say that I am the cause of them. I just don't know/can't figure out how to not cause them. Most of those problems revolve around unresolved anger issues and half the time, circle in my head in a cycle of self-blame and endless shame.

I get into arguments with my mother, for instance, and don't know how to apologize anymore. I can't control the absolute rage inside when I get in that mindset. I don't know how to break the wind-up, if that makes sense. My solution is always to simply walk away. Doesn't matter what or who it is. I've done that with jobs, with family, and with friends. For me, it's better to simply quit/avoid than to engage/resolve. Not worth the effort.

Prison, really, just inculcated in me the anger of the State so that I have become my own prison warden. I measure myself by how I see the rest of society, get pissed off that I am falling short of what I perceive to be normalcy, and there's no relief. Sometimes, I get pissed off enough that I hit myself because I do something I instantly know is wrong, and in my head, it's usually me saying, "You stupid $%^&*!" and other insults and rage directed inward. After all, my reality is a product of inward perception, right? My logic is that inward perception is flawed and must be corrected, even if it requires outward solutions such as pain and self-harm.

Haha, hard to trust others when I sure af don't trust myself. Another aspect of it is some juvenile distortion that I can punish/hurt myself far more effectively than someone else can, and if I do so before they do so, it removes their need to react to whatever the trigger situation was. Crazy, right? lmao

I went in with childhood mental issues (depression, anxiety, OCPD, etc) that I didn't want to resolve because I didn't want to look into that darkness. In prison, I was forced to do so, and not just my own, but into the abysses of the others I had to sit and listen to recount their horrible acts of selfishness and avarice. For years. Only to be told I apparently hadn't listened enough or well-enough to pass their "programs" which were nothing but indoctrination in State-think using threats of lifetime incarceration and psychological file massaging to ensure a desired outcome upon release. Nothing like being the only person in the program to not pass and be told by the head of the psych department that the "facilitator" was wrong to do so, but they weren't going to change it and I could sue them if I didn't like it.

That ended my relationship with psychologists forever.

No, I'm not violent, per se. Not really. I can get verbally vicious--I am a master of using my words to cause destruction and pain (you should see some of the inmate complaints and court motions I wrote up--I was the stuff of legend with how ruthlessly I used to go after prison officials and admin staff). I don't want to hurt others, though, not really. Even in fights, I always felt bad afterwards and had a hard time stepping out of the other person's "space" so I could stop feeling what they felt, if that makes sense.

Of course, this touches upon the vacillatory nature of my mind--sometimes, I feel like I'm just faking it or I'm avoiding taking responsibility just because I'm lazy or selfish or manipulative. I hate it. When I get those thoughts, I instantly have to examine it, analyze it, obsess over it, categorize it, and file it away to ensure that I am being authentic and genuine because I don't want to be the way I am.

I don't want to be me.

My legal troubles are manifold. I am an SO that by the grace of this site's admins have been permitted to remain because this is the only form of therapy I have left. The problem, I can see clear as day in hindsight, is that at the time when I was 16-17, I was so socially deficient that I had the mentality of a child because I hadn't "grown up," which occurred rapidly after incarceration. Part of my over-analyzing self is due, I think, in part to not wanting to be mentally behind the curve of where I should be for my age, if that makes sense?

This is what makes me a non-person. It's also what gives me great joy when I get to disabuse people of their notions of what they're allowed to say to me because I don't take **** from anyone, period. You wanna call me out because of my past? Come on over to my house and come get some. I say this because most days feel like my back is against the wall, and I'm very aware of my limitations. There is no redemption for me because I need external validation of internal triumphs, and one doesn't go about in polite society talking about the horrible inner demons one slays and expect to be looked at with anything but disgust and revulsion. You think it's bad hearing about it? Haha! Trying living with it.

My cousins have not once sought me out in six years. Every time I have seen them, it's because I have been the initiating party. I don't do that anymore. I figure, if they're not going to make the effort, neither shall I. Yep, Grandma dying pretty much dissolved the glue of this family's bonds, too. I have no desire to pickup family bonds with cousins who don't have the time of day for me.

The center doesn't hold. Everything and everyone falls away eventually, and usually because of willful indifference which I have neither the time nor patience for.

Marriage. Pff. I can barely stand going over to my friend's house because I seethe with envy. Yeah, his marriage isn't perfect, but *******, it's got to be an amazing feeling to come home and have someone there your own age that you can depend on with absolute rock-solid certainty. That is why I hate holidays. I see all the people walking around happy with their partners/spouses/whatevers. I hate hearing it on the radios/tvs. At work, it's worse because my boss has that **** on the radio 24/7 and hearing it in the background when I'm working on laying out engravings or whatever, my mind has plenty of time to itself to dwell on things it ought not to dwell on (it's become polarized to the negative instead of positive) keeps me in a rather dark state of mind.

I'm not pleasant to be around because I am usually pretty morose/quiet. Because when I get pissed about something, it's zero-to-rage, not zero-one-two-three-rage. Because I usually have nothing to say. I have nothing to talk about it because nothing really interests me anymore other than getting away to...anywhere but here.

And overshadowing it all is a constant, gibbering fear of death that I endless obsess over every single moment of the day no matter what I am doing. Part of the OCD/OCPD symptoms I can say for sure are the little prayers I offer up to a God I hope is there every time I have these thoughts, like a proscription against unforeseen doom. "Please, God, any fate but that." Seeing dead anything on the side of the road is another thing that will swerve my train of thought around to the finality we all must face. Not even Alan Watts' video on the Nature of God helps.

My conversations are not those of others. I talk about fractals and the Pattern and the nature of reality. I would rather have conversations about the Kaluza-Klein model than the latest game on tv. I'm too weird. lol

Hmm...that should do for a post. lol Sorry for the wall-o-text!