My Support Forums - View Single Post - Everytime I set boundaries with people it makes me anxious

sarahsweets · Oct 16, 2019 at 10:42 AM

Hey @StreetcarBlanche! I do not think you are alone in this. I found an interesting article I would like to share:
EXAMPLE FROM ARTICLE:

Quote:

Then, the phone rings. Cringe. You know it’s your sister before you even look. She talks too much, you have a million things to do, and what if she starts ranting about her coworker again?! Blood pressure rising, you answer the phone. An hour later, you know all about her office nemesis, vacation plans, and dreams of an Etsy store. You feel flustered the rest of the day and angry the next because you have to wear dirty underwear (it was all in the last load you didn’t get to), and your dog stinks to high heaven. Anxiety has infiltrated your life—because you just couldn’t say “no.”

Quote:

One trigger for anxiety is a lack of boundaries, an inability to say “no” to things or people. Boundaries define who we are and who we are not. They dictate what we allow into our lives and what we keep out.
If you allow your sister to take up more time than you have to give, then you simply won’t have the time for what’s on your own plate. The natural feelings that result from this scenario are anxiety, feeling flustered, and agitation. You get what you allow.

Quote:

Reasons poor boundaries and anxiety go together.
So why does this happen? The subject of our example illustrates a common way poor boundaries yield anxiety. She felt as though she had to talk to her sister—almost as if she didn’t have a choice. Listening to her sister, making sure she didn’t feel disappointed, angry, or hurt (which the sister might have felt had our subject cut the conversation short) took priority over what she needed for own life—managing the to-do list and not overextending herself. She tried to make her sister happy and took responsibility for her sister’s feelings, blurring their boundaries. By doing something she didn’t want to do (talk for an hour), she effectively allowed herself to matter less than her sister. The result: anxiety. Does any of this sound familiar in your life?

Anxiety – A Problem with Boundaries - Watershed Counseling
I am not saying this article is perfect or spot on but I found it interesting. When you mentioned anxiety and boundaries I started thinking about it and googling.

Quote:

Originally Posted by StreetcarBlanche

I've been in and out of therapy for my anxiety condition since my 20s. And, now I'm nearly 50. I still get anxious when I have to set boundaries with people who act petty, or try to take advantage of me, scapegoat me, or verbally abuse me.

Why is it still so scary to set boundaries with people? I deserve to be treated with respect like everyone else. Yet, when people invade my boundaries in different ways, and I hold them accountable for their boundary invasion when I tell them they hurt my feelings etc.,. it feels so scary. And, I don't think it should feel scary since I know I"m standing up for myself.

I notice that really manipulative people HATE IT when I set strong boundaries with them. They try to gaslight me as a result, and tell me I'm too sensitive, or, tell me that I'm overreacting. When the reality is, they don't like that I value myself more than they value me.

Because, if I didn't value myself, I wouldn't set boundaries with people who try to take advantage or act petty or mean. Does anyone else feel this way?