My Support Forums - View Single Post - I’m In a Relationship With My Boyfriend and His Mom...

sarahsweets · Oct 16, 2019, 11:19 AM

Holy Hell @Nkst! There is so much going on here and so many red flags. I do not mean to sound harsh but I am going to be honest.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nkst

During our few hours together she name dropped my boyfriends ex over a handful of times. Most of it was complimentary of his ex or asking my boyfriend things like “oh you and (the ex) used to love going there together” or “you and (the ex) used to love that meal”. It really bothered me and I made that clear to my boyfriend after she left.

And what was his reaction to this conversation?

Quote:

When my boyfriend talked with his mom about my feelings she disregarded them and made it known that she thinks I’m controlling and not a good match for him, she wanted better for him. She hardly even knew me.....

Did he defend you? Nip it in the bud? Tell her he wouldnt tolerate talking about you behind your back or explaining his relationship to her?

Quote:

Things continued to be a struggle with her throughout time. I began to develop a serious jealousy over this ex I’ve never met. I’d been told things like “oh (the ex) and (her son) were so compatible” “(the ex) has such beautiful hair” “(the ex) was so educated, you should go back to school” “your face is too proportional and I don’t find that attractive”. The list goes on.... I had many moments of feeling bullied.

Was any of this in the presence of your boyfriend? Did he know about it?

Quote:

I couldn’t take it anymore and we had a talk. I told her I felt disrespected and hurt, I asked of her to please not talk about my boyfriends ex around me. She was very upset by my request and made it very clear to both my boyfriend and I that I have a lot of deep emotional issues that need to be worked through. That I should be ok with hearing her talk about (the ex), that my boyfriend should be friends with his ex (which he didn’t and still doesn’t want to be) and that she is doing what she can to bring (the ex) back into her life because she is missing her presence.

Right there he should have set a clear boundary. He should have told her that the ex was no longer an acceptable topic and then come up with some sort of consequence for crossing that boundary. Like, leaving the visit if she starts talking about the ex, or ending the phone call.

Quote:

It became clear to me very early on (approximately 5 months in) that she has negative feelings about me and isn’t accepting of her son and I being together. This was so hard on me and it’s only continued to get worse.

Of course this is hard on you but you are not required to deal with this. What happens if you get engaged or married? You will be miserable and full of resentments.

Quote:

Over time my boyfriends mom managed to push hard enough to get the ex to let her back into her life. They now communicate with one another. My boyfriends mom actually admitted to me that she is mourning the loss of her sons ex, that she wishes they had worked out, that she paid to fly his ex back to California for a visit, that she’s had talks with my boyfriend about her fears of him and I being together

Your boyfriend is 100% wrong in this situation. He should have refused to speak to the ex and told his mom to drop it. He should have held his ground. The fact that he didnt either means he is controlled by his mother, afraid of her, or values his relationship with her more than his relationship with you.

Quote:

My boyfriend has also told me that when they have days together that she encourages him to connect with his ex and talks negatively of my physical and financial situation.

First of all, why would he tell you this? What is the point? He knows it will hurt you so what was his reasoning? And its obvious that its ok with him to talk behind your back and badmouth you. This is not a sign of a good relationship.

Quote:

I’ve worked hard to accept where she’s at with his ex and am doing much better around it, it wasn’t easy to get there though I have to admit. We also have a lot of other issues.....

Again, not to be harsh but this is not your job. It is not your job to put up with this and "understand" her mourning the ex. YOU do not have to be a part of this. You do not have to work hard at accepting this and by doing so you have validated her feelings and given her permission to make you feel bad.

Quote:

One day she called me (this was semi recent, about 6 months ago) and said, “I’m having a lot of deep feelings and am urgently wanting to talk with you”. So we got together and she poured a lot out. “I’m walking on eggshells around you” “I want to be close to you but I have my walls up” “I’m still mourning the loss of my sons ex (understandably, they were together for 4 years)” “I’ve been challenging you because I worry about my son choosing to have you in his life” “you and my son being together worries me because of your physical and financial situation”. She also said some really nice things “after meeting with (the ex) again it made me realize that you are a better match for my son” Unfortunately after saying that she had to add in “I like and connected with (the ex) better”.... She also told me that she’s wanting to work through these feelings and realizing that she is jealous of me because her son and I are together a lot. She let me know that things didn’t work with his ex because she was gone a lot (sometimes days and weeks at a time) and that her son is so much happier with our dynamic because we are literally much closer. I walked away from that talk feeling compassion for her and we began to grow a bit close over the following months. I was able to put myself in her shoes and understand that she was hurting very much in her own way. It was very eye opening even though a lot of it was hard to hear.

She literally served you bull s..t on a silver spoon and flipped the script playing on your compassion. She took no ownership for her behavior and justified it, made excuses and drew you in. And unfortunately you allowed yourself to be drawn in because you have had such strife with her that I feel you were desperate for any sort of peace.

Quote:

I have an amazing dog that’s been there for me through my healing journey. Unfortunately this little dog brought my boyfriends mom and I into a recent argument, we are currently not communicating with one another over it. Flash back a few months, my boyfriends mom came over (“needed” to talk). She had a breakdown with me about mourning the loss of her son. She explained that she is learning to accept that him and I are close knit and she will likely not be involved in many more vacations with her son like she used to be, that she has to accept that he and I are pulling him and her apart. It was sad to see her so down. I reassured her and offered her to take my little guy home to keep her company. That was a huge mistake.....

No way should she have had access to your dog for any reason.

Quote:

Fast forward to the past two months, our dog became her dog. She was requesting time with our dog a lot. It got to a point where she’d asked her son to drop him off at her house and pick him up up to three times a week. She would express sadness for whatever reason and then ask for our dogs comfort, my boyfriend couldn’t say no and would push me into it because “it was easier to just give in”.... My boyfriend liked knowing that our dog was making his mom so happy. He has always had a hard time standing up for him and I and telling his mom no. He’s told me often “I need to do this for my mom or else she will be upset”. It’s been what seems to me a very strange and unhealthy dynamic between the two of them. I sense a lot of neediness from her towards her son and I sense from my boyfriend that he is always trying to please her.

This is not a grandchild, its your dog. She does not get visitation. And your boyfriend has basically pooped on your feelings but going along with this and yes, he is unable to stand up to his mom or say no to her.

Quote:

I continued to work on having compassion for her and seeing her in a different light, trying to not let her quirks, demands and neediness towards her son and I get to me.

STOP. This is not your problem and that woman and her son do not need compassion.

Quote:

My boyfriend had so much anxiety about this talk before it even happened. He called it “my mom is not going to be ok with our request” and boy was he right. I brought it up “(my boyfriend) and I are concerned for our dogs safety and would like it if you stopped using the rolling leash with him”. She threw a fit. Told us absolutely not and a bunch of other nasty disrespectful words. She was yelling and throwing a disregulated fit like an adolescent would. She said she wouldn’t watch our dog anymore if we would no longer allow the rolling leash.

Can I ask you something? Why are you with this man? Why have you allowed this to go on?

Quote:

That last talk brought all of the residual pain to the surface for me. Space gave me time to see that she brings a lot of difficulty into my life. My boyfriend and I pretty much only argue over her and get tense with one another over the dynamic with her.

Bluntly, you need to end this. He does not know how to have a healthy relationship with women, probably as a result of his mom being so emeshed in his life. Unless he agrees there is a problem and gets therapy to untangle, he will never change.

I truly am sorry you are in this situation. But we teach people how to treat us. By that I mean when we allow things that are not ok with us to go on, again and again we are teaching that person or persons that its ok with us that they treat us this way. That it is ok for them to disparage us and manipulate us. There is so much wrong in this relationship and I would advise you to end it. You have already wasted too much time being hurt and confused. Its time to find a man who wants to be with you and who is not attached to his mommy.