Saw T today. It was okay. When I arrived, his car wasn't there and my heart raced. I went in and told him. He said sorry, I said I'm not saying he should be sorry, just noticing my response to it being different. He said that he and his wife were being mindful about when to use the electric car and when to use the diesel. I didn't respond and he said "but that doesn't matter. What matters is your response to it". He asked if I am like that about anything else or if it was specific to T. I said not to that degree. I'm not a massive fan of change but I'm not usually nearly as observant as I am here. I often probably wouldn't notice.
I read him what I wrote in dear t about him revealing too much of his feelings to me. Told him that not all of me felt that way, just the part that tends to emerge between sessions. I'm calling it the teenager. T said that part of me believes it and part of me doesnt believe it and both those things are true. He asked how we can bring the teenager and the child into the room. I said I don't really care about the child and nor does the teenager. The teenager wants some space. He said he was sad that the child is being left, it sounds lonely. He invited the child to play jenga. I said he is making assumptions about what the child needs. Then I said that the child is not very present, I don't know what it's needs are because it doesn't tell me. It seems okay and even if it isn't, it's manageable because it isn't present. What if he starts playing with the child and all its needs suddenly come out and become demanding? I will still have all these demanding needs of the teenager, and the child's needs on top of that. I can't cope with any more unmet needs right now.
I told him that earlier the teenage part had he said he felt sad and he didn't know why. I asked him if he was sure he didn't know why. He said the answer would annoy me but it made him think of the child again.
I went quiet. He asked what was happening. I said it makes me think we can never stay with this long enough to work through it. I told him that I had found some of my writing from 3 years ago and I was describing the same feelings towards him that I feel now. Nothing has changed. I said it feels like nothing will ever change because it is too difficult for us to tackle together.
T suddenly said that he thinks we can do it, and we haven't come this far just to give up now. He said that this has given him some clarity that we need to stay with the ET. He said he kept going to the child and I kept consistently saying we needed to stay with the teenager again and he now realises I am right. He said he said to himself "[his name], you need to be more patient.". He said that we might not always find the most direct route but we get to where we need to be, and we can do this. I liked this sudden determination and clarity in him. I liked the things he was saying. I said I felt heard by him. I'm glad he realised that we just need to stay with this and give the teenager some space, whatever his ideas are about what the child needs. We hugged, a fairly unremarkable hug, and I left.