I can relate to your feelings.......All my growing up life.....there was nothing out of the ordinary. No abuse, no traumas........so how could I get to the place where I was at? How could the stupid thing like loosing my career cause such a deep depression that is made me incapable of functioning? How could it cause me so many years of suicidal feelings? I shouldn't have reacted that way to something that wasn't life threatening or even that horrible of a situation......but I did.......it felt like I had lost everything in my life & because my marriage was not good (even though I was married to a very NICE guy)....it just wasn't the partnership that a marriage should have been & I felt like it really didn't exist.

Then there are the things we have done in our lives that we feel we shouldn't have done that haunt us & keep those horrible feelings continuing. For me, this has been going on since 1994.......there was no way to recover my career & that was my fault.

Over the years.....& honestly, therapy was of no help on this one.....I realized on my own that my life was what it was supposed to be. I had the experiences I had for one reason & that was to grow to be a stronger person & to get in touch with my spiritual side of my life. The things that I did wrong in my life & I was guilty for, I had to come to terms with & work out the forgiveness part of it & understand that I was forgiven & no longer guilty of those things....not that they didn't happen, but they were something I could then let go of & as you say....not have to continue wallowing in.

Since 1994, I have gone through several traumas that have left me with PTSD issues & those aren't going away any time soon, but I know that they were also in my life for a reason & I am able deal with my life much easier now that I am realizing the meanings & having a better insight into my life.

I have also moved by myself away from my marriage in California to my new farm in Kentucky.......with the divorce in the near future.....being all alone has given me insight & the abiliy to see what I was going through & to see things more clearly.......this is something we all need to be able to do. It doesn't cure the situation....but it can help us understand ourselves better & then hopefully be able to come to terms with what we are going through & get rid of the guilt that weighs us down.

Hope you can put the pieces together & know that it doesn't take a horrible childhood to cause problems as an adult.....I can completely understand your feelings,
Debbie