I met my boyfriend 3 years ago and continue to feel we are a wonderful match. We get along beautifully, we communicate well and we are very compatible. However.... I’m exhausted and feeling emotionally drained over the dynamic we have with his mom.

I met my boyfriends mom about two months into our relationship. I still remember the first time we met, she gave me a cold shoulder and turned her nose up at me. It was a bummer but I didn’t read into it much. Weeks after our first meet she came to visit us. During our few hours together she name dropped my boyfriends ex over a handful of times. Most of it was complimentary of his ex or asking my boyfriend things like “oh you and (the ex) used to love going there together” or “you and (the ex) used to love that meal”. It really bothered me and I made that clear to my boyfriend after she left.

When my boyfriend talked with his mom about my feelings she disregarded them and made it known that she thinks I’m controlling and not a good match for him, she wanted better for him. She hardly even knew me.....

Things continued to be a struggle with her throughout time. I began to develop a serious jealousy over this ex I’ve never met. I’d been told things like “oh (the ex) and (her son) were so compatible” “(the ex) has such beautiful hair” “(the ex) was so educated, you should go back to school” “your face is too proportional and I don’t find that attractive”. The list goes on.... I had many moments of feeling bullied.

I couldn’t take it anymore and we had a talk. I told her I felt disrespected and hurt, I asked of her to please not talk about my boyfriends ex around me. She was very upset by my request and made it very clear to both my boyfriend and I that I have a lot of deep emotional issues that need to be worked through. That I should be ok with hearing her talk about (the ex), that my boyfriend should be friends with his ex (which he didn’t and still doesn’t want to be) and that she is doing what she can to bring (the ex) back into her life because she is missing her presence.

It became clear to me very early on (approximately 5 months in) that she has negative feelings about me and isn’t accepting of her son and I being together. This was so hard on me and it’s only continued to get worse.

Over time my boyfriends mom managed to push hard enough to get the ex to let her back into her life. They now communicate with one another. My boyfriends mom actually admitted to me that she is mourning the loss of her sons ex, that she wishes they had worked out, that she paid to fly his ex back to California for a visit, that she’s had talks with my boyfriend about her fears of him and I being together (I am on disability from a spinal cord injury and obviously with that comes struggles). These sayings have been repeated to both my boyfriend and I over and over the past two years and it has created a lot of tension. My boyfriend has also told me that when they have days together that she encourages him to connect with his ex and talks negatively of my physical and financial situation. I feel like she’s in our business, like she is still trying to parent her 32 year old son.

I’ve worked hard to accept where she’s at with his ex and am doing much better around it, it wasn’t easy to get there though I have to admit. We also have a lot of other issues.....

I always felt like my boyfriends mom was jealous of me. There were so many signs (excessively asking for alone time with her son, telling her son to please not include me in on their phone conversations (like speaker phone in the car), never being supportive of our vacations together and complaining that she wanted to have a vacation with my boyfriend). Again, the list goes on.

One day she called me (this was semi recent, about 6 months ago) and said, “I’m having a lot of deep feelings and am urgently wanting to talk with you”. So we got together and she poured a lot out. “I’m walking on eggshells around you” “I want to be close to you but I have my walls up” “I’m still mourning the loss of my sons ex (understandably, they were together for 4 years)” “I’ve been challenging you because I worry about my son choosing to have you in his life” “you and my son being together worries me because of your physical and financial situation”. She also said some really nice things “after meeting with (the ex) again it made me realize that you are a better match for my son” Unfortunately after saying that she had to add in “I like and connected with (the ex) better”.... She also told me that she’s wanting to work through these feelings and realizing that she is jealous of me because her son and I are together a lot. She let me know that things didn’t work with his ex because she was gone a lot (sometimes days and weeks at a time) and that her son is so much happier with our dynamic because we are literally much closer. I walked away from that talk feeling compassion for her and we began to grow a bit close over the following months. I was able to put myself in her shoes and understand that she was hurting very much in her own way. It was very eye opening even though a lot of it was hard to hear.

It was nice for a while, we became “close” but quickly our get togethers started to become a demand. She was asking for a lot of my time and would get upset if I had other plans. She didn’t want to take no for an answer and would push sometimes for days until I gave in to see her or do something she asked. With me being around her more, it brought my boyfriend around her more. I began enabling an unhealthy behavior.... even with my dog.

I have an amazing dog that’s been there for me through my healing journey. Unfortunately this little dog brought my boyfriends mom and I into a recent argument, we are currently not communicating with one another over it. Flash back a few months, my boyfriends mom came over (“needed” to talk). She had a breakdown with me about mourning the loss of her son. She explained that she is learning to accept that him and I are close knit and she will likely not be involved in many more vacations with her son like she used to be, that she has to accept that he and I are pulling him and her apart. It was sad to see her so down. I reassured her and offered her to take my little guy home to keep her company. That was a huge mistake.....

Fast forward to the past two months, our dog became her dog. She was requesting time with our dog a lot. It got to a point where she’d asked her son to drop him off at her house and pick him up up to three times a week. She would express sadness for whatever reason and then ask for our dogs comfort, my boyfriend couldn’t say no and would push me into it because “it was easier to just give in”.... My boyfriend liked knowing that our dog was making his mom so happy. He has always had a hard time standing up for him and I and telling his mom no. He’s told me often “I need to do this for my mom or else she will be upset”. It’s been what seems to me a very strange and unhealthy dynamic between the two of them. I sense a lot of neediness from her towards her son and I sense from my boyfriend that he is always trying to please her. When I talk to my boyfriend about it he just says “I’m used to it” and “that’s just how she is”.

Oddly when I’d offer to pick the dog up or drop him off she’d make excuses and request that her son be the one to do so. This reminded me of the times I offered to drive her to her doctors appointments after my boyfriend said he wouldn’t be able to get work off to take her. She would say no and shortly after text my boyfriend, “good news, I got the doctor to switch my appointment day to your day off so now you can take me” (similar situations happened multiple times). She would also schedule the appointments in clinics two hours away because she liked being in the big city afterwards (seemed to me like a ploy to get more time with my boyfriend), her other doctors office is just 15 minutes away. I noticed more and more that the dog became like a crutch to get time with her son (also want to throw in there that they already see each other religiously once a week every week).

I continued to work on having compassion for her and seeing her in a different light, trying to not let her quirks, demands and neediness towards her son and I get to me.

We went for a walk together (about a month ago) with my dog and she wanted to be the one walking him. She was using a rolling leash that she bought for him so the dog could have more freedom. I experienced her letting him run to the end of this 20ft lead across a parking lot as she was reaching in her car for a jacket, letting him run into the street and watching him trip a person by wrapping around her. I asked her kindly to please pay more attention and keep him closer. She threw a fit and said that our dog likes her more than my boyfriend and I because we deprive him of freedom, that she would be more cautious but didn’t want to take away his freedom. My boyfriend and I have both witnessed acts like this with her and this rolling leash on other multiple occasions. So we decided to have a talk with her.

My boyfriend had so much anxiety about this talk before it even happened. He called it “my mom is not going to be ok with our request” and boy was he right. I brought it up “(my boyfriend) and I are concerned for our dogs safety and would like it if you stopped using the rolling leash with him”. She threw a fit. Told us absolutely not and a bunch of other nasty disrespectful words. She was yelling and throwing a disregulated fit like an adolescent would. She said she wouldn’t watch our dog anymore if we would no longer allow the rolling leash.

A few days after this event we compromised and she agreed to only using the rolling leash in grassy parks. She requested the dogs time a few days after our talk and strangely asked me to pick him up, this wasn’t usual. So I got to her office to grab my pup and she asked for a walk together. That walk was the last time I spoke to her....

During our walk she told me she is super upset about the talk we had with her about the dog. Said she felt attacked by me, felt like I have control of this animal and would take him away from her at anytime. I chuckeld softly in a that is so silly kind of way and told her I was sorry she felt that way. She wouldn’t listen to anything I had to say which was all positive words and she quickly spiraled down a path of “I’m missing (my boyfriends ex)” and “I’m having fears of you and (her son) being together”. It escalated quick and ended in me telling her I wanted space for a while.

That last talk brought all of the residual pain to the surface for me. Space gave me time to see that she brings a lot of difficulty into my life. My boyfriend and I pretty much only argue over her and get tense with one another over the dynamic with her.

She continues to push for time with our dog and is upset that I’m not ready to hand him back over for hang out dates and sleepovers. She contacts my boyfriend on the daily begging him come see her, they haven’t seen each other for a month because he’s been avoiding her after this last flare up. She is asking for weekly scheduled visitation dates with both my boyfriend and the dog (he didn’t agree). I suggested we go to therapy and she being a therapist herself only wants to visit therapists that she personally knows.

My boyfriend was finally going to see his mom tomorrow after 4 long weeks. I told him this morning to take the dog with him knowing it would make her happy. She requested that he only bring the dog along if the dog could stay after he left and have him come pick the dog up later on in the day. I told my boyfriend I wasn’t ready to leave the dog with her. When he relayed this to her she threw a fit. She was raising her voice and crying on the phone to my boyfriend. Told him to not come over. She said she didn’t want to have the dog if he was going to leave when my boyfriend leaves because it would be to hard to only see the dog for a few hours. She then asked my boyfriend if he could see how controlling and manipulative I am as well as “why are you with someone like her”. She was saying a lot of hurtful things about myself and my boyfriend and I.

I feel like I’m in a relationship with my boyfriend and his mom. I feel like my boyfriends mom doesn’t accept me and isn’t happy for her son. I feel like she is competing with me for his love. I feel so lost......

It’s not easy to sum everything up in a forum post. I’m just feeling exhausted over this and in need of more support from others / wanting advice. I see my therapist weekly and she’s been a huge help, but hoping I get more support and insight from others.