Quote:
Originally Posted by Blknblu
Courage, for bringing out a taboo subject, for me at least. Lots of very confusing experiences (life).
Complex history. Early life I was identified as a "Tom boy", I chose boys to hang out with, they were more fun and adventurous and
I liked the freedom they seem to enjoy. Girls, not so much. Dresses not so much. Dolls not so much.
Tree houses, swimming in ponds,
Tadpoles. Much more interesting.
After the age of 10, I went to live with another family, and was made into their version of a "lady".
Put on a dress, and paraded around
As a project, in the making.
Never let out of the door to feel wild and free in nature ever again. Never to wear my jeans and t-shirt again. No pets, a sterile, suffocating and messed up time.
And in my military time, I was assumed by the men in my assignment as "very male", or and
Told I must be gay..... Though I looked and dressed as female.
I have had others interpret my
Looks, demeanor as male. My neighbor lady said maybe you should wear some makeup and dress more feminine.
Almost 65, I miss my sexuality,
I am living like a spayed or neutered
Asexual being. Probably has something to do with other issues.
I have very little contact with people other than daily tasks. Probably not good or healthy either. Or, relating with my S. O.
As my personal small rebellion, I no longer wear dresses, heels, and my hair is pixie short,
As far as being attracted to anyone male or female, I always admired
Kindness over looks. Animals love you unconditionally, they are true.
Too long a rant, must have touched some tender parts.
Thanks for reading.
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Blknblu
I'm so sorry you went through that! Being forced to wear dresses and cosmetics - or being forced to wear anything that you didn't feel comfortable wearing because it didn't align with your identity at the time - is traumatic and invasive and imprisoning! Good for you for sticking up for what you like to wear!
The things you liked as a kid, I would have liked, too! I vacillated between feminine and masculine, however. But, it would have been fun to have known you back then! Tadpoles - how cool is that?!
Thank you for your service, if I haven't said it before (I've met so many people on PC now, including a few fellow veterans, that I'm starting to have difficulty keeping up; maybe it's an aging senile thing of mine, or just that I'm not paying enough attention, so please forgive me)! Of course, when I was in service, certain uniforms (our alphas, our dress blues, for instance) required a skirt and lipstick, I believe. Thankfully, there weren't too many days when I had to wear those uniforms.
Most days, I feel like a female eunuch, so I get what you mean by feeling like you're spayed or neutered. I once had a friend who was a cat rescue person, and my ex-boyfriend (who still is my friend) loves cats - we all loved cats. Your spayed and neutered statement reminded me of cats. Sorry. But I could relate, in part, to what you said. I am asexual - both by choice and because of my disabilities. One psychologist I know said to me recently that it is possible to find other persons who identify as asexual and to have a non-sexual relationship, so that gave me hope, but it is rare and hard to find, especially in terms of how one defines asexual. The LGBT added on some letters to now include asexuality and otherwise: LGBTQIA. I'm sure there are more acronyms to add to that list, but the "A" on the end confuses me because I might not fit into their cultural definitions of asexual. I feel kind of lost, actually, or not belonged. I have many friends, however, who are part of the LGBTQIA community. I'm ignorant sometimes with the terms that they are accustomed to, but they are almost always willing to answer my questions.
Happy pre-birthday (65)!
I miss my sexuality sometimes. It is challenging to age when you feel as though your sexuality or sexual identity or ability to have sex changes. It's also challenging to deal with disabilities (regardless of age), which can interfere with sexuality.
I honestly want a "Golden Girls" retirement now. That's my goal. Or, if possible, a partnership with a male person who is asexual (as I'm really heterosexual, though I had experimented in the past coupled with dealt with my own DID issues that sort of naturally made me bisexual). I was honest when I went into service about being heterosexual, but it is hard for me to be honest about all the things I had time to think about after I was discharged, or even prior to my enlistment. Seeking mental health treatment at the VA is scary when the laws back then were more in line with traditionalism than they are today, where they are open to the LGBTQIA community enlisting. Back in our day, I've seen people get discharged for that - and less than honorable. It's sad. I'm not sure if they could change their discharges now, but that would be a step in the right direction for them. Still, the VA may keep the info confidential, but it's really shared with anyone who works for the VA and has clearance, meaning, other fellow veterans. I don't want them to have access to my stuff. The VA operates do differently from civilian life; conflict of interest is defined differently, and you can pretty much throw confidentiality out the window. Then again, most other veterans accept you. It's the administrators (those in authority) that I'm fearful of.
Anyway, I thought I'd respond to your response post. Thank you so much for sharing! I'm a veteran, too, and it is nice to connect with other veterans who can relate to me.
(((safe hugs)))
