Well we had our court date this morning about a hospital bill my husband had from 4 years ago. Pneumonia! He couldn’t work and had no insurance at the time. He had applied for SSDI but we all know how long that can take.

The hospital it’s self requires all balances be paid off fully in 3-4 months.. ummm sorry I don’t have 400 +bucks extra sitting around each month.

So the attorney pushed for 100.00 a month . I’m like we are BOTH on disability.. here’s my husband with his portable oxygen, we have to pay monthly for him to even breath. So he said .. well the lowest I can go is 50.00 if not we will put a lien on your home and the interest will just increase forever.

So we agreed to 50.00 a month and I know that’s probably not a problem for most people but for us it’s just another bill we have to count pennies for.

My husband and I would have never thought in a million years we would both wind up unable to work and have to live off SSDI, it just slams you into a hard poverty. I’m just beyond grateful that we own our home outright. Huge blessing.

I’m just feeling defeated. In the next month I have to see my Pdoc, T Rhuematologist and also see TWO different specialist so there is more medical bills to find a way to pay, I mean.. I need my liver and lungs but damn! Ugh !

We didn’t plan to get so ill I’d love. to be able to go back to working 12 hour shifts 6 days a week in a nursing home.

Once again this bubbles up in me feelings of shame, being a burden, my self worth seems to literally be draining right out of my body as I type this.

We live a quite life, we might grab dinner or lunch out at most twice a month... and we are talking a local diner. Burger and fries with a drink and tip 18.00 And the food is served in a basket not even on a plate ! I don’t go “ shopping “ but I had to buy one decent looking shirt this year and 2 bras because mine literally broke and they were at least 5 years old. I don’t by makeup, my razor is probably 6 months old , I use shampoo that’s a dollar.. we saved for months to buy a dvd set we really really wanted. I drink one soda a day then it’s all water.. we don’t go out to the movies. I plan out our meals with a very strict budget and portion controlled.. We never throw out food. We schedule trips into town to take care of multiple things at once because we just can’t afford to make even one extra trip with our gas budget.

Sorry guys I’m just very discouraged, having a pity party for myself right now...