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Old Mar 31, 2008, 09:57 PM
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and he used to be directive
and i was resistent
'i try to talk to you about things that i find significant
and you think i'm avoiding
you judgmental prick
what makes you think that you have some special insight
into what is most meaningful for me?'
and it took him some time to get it
but get it he did
and he backed off.

and i talked to him.
i told him about bob and the boards
i told him about my work and my supervisors
i told him about recurring interpersonal themes
i told him about my rage

and things have settled rather.

and i'd been worrying that things weren't really meaningful.
how come?
what was missing?
maybe it was the emotion
or maybe it was the lack thereof.

so i allowed myself to get a little wound up.
but that didn't seem particularly meaningful either.

so...
'if you could pick for me to talk about anything...
anything at all - what would it be?'
you don't have to answer (maybe the question is intrusive)
i won't necessarily talk about that (you don't have to worry about being intrusive)
but...
what...
?

'lets talk about why it is hard to find something to talk about'

isn't it obvious...

i worry about bad theory...
i worry about the theory that therapy should do this and then that and then the next thing
i worry about the theory that things have to get much worse before they get much better
i worry about the theory that values talking about x and y but doesn't value talking about z
i worry about the theory that makes you ask
'was i sexually abused?'
'was i sexually abused?'
till like a hunter on the last day of the hunt
like a hunter asking himself repeatedly
'is it a deer?'
'is it a deer?'
shoots his best friend in a neon jacket.

i worry about the theory that requires events of 'objective sickening severity' in order to traumatic experiences to be considered legitimate.
i worry about the theory that requires one to identify with being the victim in order for one to get better.

i worry about the theory that would have me:
- identify trauma
- identify abusers / persecutors and would have me foster rage against them
- identify with being a victim
in order for me to get better.
i see so many...
so many...
therapists lead them down the path with the best of intentions.
so many...
who need to be hospitalized along that path
whose functioning disintegrates along that path
whose disintegration is judged to be 'necessary' to be 'progress'

i don't believe it
i don't believe you are helping
i believe you are hurting.

no pain no gain.

the myth of our culture.
the myth of our sadomasochist culture
'my hurting you is justified for your own good'
'your being hurt is justified for your own good'
just like exercise no pain no gain
but in the exercise case its a myth
and in the therapy case...

its the biggest crock of %#@&#!
the biggest lie
the biggest manifestation of the pathology of society i've ever seen
and i feel sick.