I’m thankful for today’s session. R recalled that I wanted to talk about the safeguarding training, and reassured me that it is mainly about knowing how to escalate things should somebody disclose.
‘You don’t have a responsibility to hold anything.’
I feel reassured by that, although she said that it depends on the training as to whether they go into detail about extremes.
‘Within your organisation, you should have a Safeguarding Lead –do you know who that is?’
‘Yes.’
‘You wouldn’t have to contact anybody. It’s about following the policy set out by your organisation.’
‘This is how you implement it, rather than just “I’m familiar with the paperwork.”’
‘Exactly … How have you been doing?’
‘Given my tendency to gloss over my successes …’
‘Ooh.’
‘Let’s start there. I won a writing competition last week.’

‘Congratulations! What was it?’

‘The educational arm of Faber and Faber publishers post a prompt on Twitter every Friday at ten to ten. You have until 2:30 to write 250 words inspired by the picture and send it in.’

“That’s a fast deadline.’

‘I wrote my piece and sent it in. Winners are announced at 3:30.’

‘Very quick turnaround!’

‘I hadn’t received an email, so I thought ‘Well, at least I’ve tried.’ I thought I’d go on the website and read the winning entries. Read two runners up, and then saw my own name.’
‘Wow! How did that feel?’

‘It felt great. I have obviously had things published in the time that we’ve known one another, but I haven’t won a competition since I was a kid!’
We talked about how validating that is, and I said. ‘The thing I have noticed though, is that I see these things published and think “I could have done that better….”’
‘You won the competition, there can’t be much room for improvement!’

‘No…and whilst I was adding that to my writing CV…I keep two because not everyone needs to know about my publication history…I went online to check the date of something else, and discovered another piece had been published.’
‘Amazing.’
‘I can send links if you would like to read them.’
‘That would be great.’

We talked a bit more about how when I first met R, I talked about my creativity being tainted by my experience.
‘Now, maybe it is influencing what you are writing in a positive way?’

‘I am not ready yet to write about the experience I am still processing.’

‘And is that OK?’

‘I have to remember that it took me seven years after…after Chris’ death, to write what became Stones in the Road. There’s something bittersweet about Stones in the Road. The other experience doesn’t have that quality, although I was talking to a colleague at work a couple of months ago, and he reckons it has mileage as either a novel or a memoir. We were talking about whether the chocolate brownies had nuts in, and his severe allergy. I stood and watched as he picked up a slice of Battenberg, which also contains nuts….Should I say something?’

‘I would have struggled with that too.’
‘I was involved in that situation for eight years. It’s a long time to be involved in something and have it blow up in your face.’
R and I ended up on a tangent, before I asked what we had been talking about. ‘You were talking about things blowing up in your face. I remember that.’

‘Board meeting on Tuesday. Being on the board is a privilege, but also hard. I am used to the Critic – the things I would like to do to the Critic aren’t fit to mention.’
‘That might be a useful session, but the session is yours. Go on.’
‘The meeting was going well, and then…I might need you to move.’
‘Of course.’

‘They said they’d talked to so-and-so at the college, can’t remember his name, but he is important. He said they are going to start selling bits of it, and our building has a cross on it.’
‘Not the lovely Narnia building where you work?!’

‘By the way you said that, I can tell you know what an impact that had on me. I couldn’t say anything, but my inner 5, 6, 7 year old was… “No! I feel safe here!”

R and I talked about my attachment to the building. I am the only person on the board who works there regularly. I described my routine on getting to work, and R said she knows how much it means to me.

‘You’ve invested a lot in this.’

‘The Critic says too much.’

‘The Critic says too much. There are a lot of things in my life that are important to me, including my job. If I suddenly found out that my job was under threat, I would be concerned* too.’

‘We have to make a decision by next July. Nothing’s set in stone yet.’

R asked me what my thoughts were. ‘I can see you’ve gone somewhere. When we invest so much of ourselves in one thing, we are really vulnerable. “What am I going to do without this?...I can’t lose this!”

‘I can’t lose this. At the end of the meeting, I had to discuss something with my boss. She needed to show me an email, and while her computer was starting up, I said “I can’t thank you enough for what you have done for me.” She replied “I haven’t forgotten what you said to me last year about feeling locked up. The world needs you, Lost…and we have to help the world find you.”

‘That’s a really beautiful thing to say. That shows me that it isn’t just the place. It’s what you bring to the place…It’s you.’
‘I feel like I’ve got a superhero cape on at work, but it’s me.’
‘When I picture you at work, I picture you without baggage – birds singing around your head…’

‘Work can’t be all I need it to be…It isn’t all rainbows and puppies, but it’s like coming back out into a storm.’

‘It would be nice if you could come out into a dry day.’

I looked down and noticed that I had locked my fingers together tightly.

‘I want to feel at ease within my own skin.’

R took my hands. ‘That’s important. When you are experiencing positive sensations, use that energy to dream and plan. You might reach a point where you want to move on…I know you can’t go there yet, because that’s scary.’
‘I don’t think that’s in my vocabulary.’

‘You don’t think what is in your vocabulary?’

‘…Positivity.’
‘That was even difficult for you to say.’

‘I admire the way you notice the micro things.’

‘Always looking. It’s easier to be negative in a way, because if you allow yourself to hope, then you can be disappointed. I do it – ‘Can’t allow myself to be too happy…something is bound to come along….’

R said she felt she had been a bit too directive, but it had been a different session than usual. As we talked about work, I mentioned anger, but I think fear often shows up as anger for me. R reminded me to try and stay in the moment as much as possible.
‘You probably get tired of me saying ‘Be kind to yourself.’’

She shared some of her experience regarding hearing about my successes.

‘I feel warmth, and a little bit proud, not just because you’ve done brilliant writing, but you’ve put yourself out there.’
This week’s parting words will stay with me.
‘Well done, lovely. I would be honoured to read your pieces if you send them. Stay in that celebratory mood. I’m very proud of you.’