My Support Forums - View Single Post - Wondering if we should breakup, even though I love her

sarahsweets · Oct 17, 2019 at 01:35 PM

Hey @SoSorry7735-welcome. There is a lot to address in your post and I'll do my best.

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Originally Posted by SoSorry7735

But we have problems. The biggest one is that there’s no romance or passion in the relationship. We’ve talked about this, and while she agrees on the passion part, she doesn’t seem to think we lack romance,

Has she given you examples as to why she doesnt think romance is an issue? I understand that you are planning things but what does she say that makes her think the romance is there?

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But I’m really resentful that she doesn’t ever pick up the slack and take ME somewhere. I’m making the decisions (restaurants, which night, should we even go out at all) and I feel like the burden to get out of the house is always on me. We’ve talked about this and she’s going to try to make an effort but I don’t know.

Resentment is a loaded emotion. It goes beyond the word resentment.

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Definitions of
resentment
1
na feeling of deep and bitter anger and ill-will
Synonyms:
bitterness, gall, rancor, rancour
Types:
hide 7 types...
heartburning
intense resentment
huffishness, sulkiness
a feeling of sulky resentment
grievance, grudge, score
a resentment strong enough to justify retaliation
enviousness, envy
a feeling of grudging admiration and desire to have something that is possessed by another
covetousness
an envious eagerness to possess something
green-eyed monster, jealousy
a feeling of jealous envy (especially of a rival)
penis envy
(psychoanalysis) a female's presumed envy of the male's penis; said to explain femininity
Type of:
enmity, hostility, ill will
the feeling of a hostile person

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Resentment, or the strong and painful bitterness you feel when someone does something wrong to you, doesn’t have actual physical weight, but it feels very heavy and can last a long time.

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The second issue is sex. I’ve been the only one to initiate anything for 9 or 10 months, save for once last months because I told her she needed to do this once and a while, because I want to feel desired too. And when we do have sex, it isn’t passionate...it’s plain, and I’ve tried to spice things up several times with little reaction from her... I even tried that “mojo upgrade” quiz and she says she’s interested in new stuff but never INITIATED anything, whether it’s sex or something new. Again, the burden is on me.

This also causes resentment, not to mention a hit on your self esteem. of course you want your partner to want you and desire you. Frankly, if you have stated your needs in this area and she has ignored them I do not see

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I get mad at her a lot because I’m resentful of all this. On top of it, i also feel like her career coach because she’s 25 and is still working in fast food (not that there’s anything wrong with this, but it’s not what she wants) and seeks out my counsel a lot about what to do. It’s too much for me, I have my own life and problems to solve and I don’t mind giving her advice, but she just plunges into things without thinking and I’m worried she’s going to waste tons of money in student loans because she’s not thinking things through.

No offense but it seems like she is using you. It is her job to do these things yet she seems to expect that you will hold her hand and do them for her. How much does she really want to change? Who supports the household or is it equal?

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And I’m not sure if I wanna stay with her.

This says it all.

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She is my best friend

How is she your best friend? it sounds like you are her best friend but not the other way around.

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I love her so much but I would also love to have a partner that seemed more self sufficient. I know how harsh that sounds. I feel terrible writing it.

As much as we humans want to believe in love, it simply isnt enough. You can love her all you want and still be unhappy.

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But I don’t want to be angry with her and hurt her just because I’m too afraid to leave.

Why are you afraid to leave?

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And she’s really great in some other ways and is so tolerant of all my mental health problems.

Do not lay that guilt on yourself. Being tolerant is not a divine gift, its supposed to come from a place of selfless love.
Personally I think you need to end it. You could be happy with someone else. This is your first relationship and you are young. You do not need to put up with this or be bogged down with such stress.