You write beautifully. I can deeply feel where you are. I sensed your energy shift about two weeks ago, but I didn't know it had come this far. I feel like I let you down a little. I am really very sorry for that. Do me a favor though a humor the good people here who will undoubtedly want to assist now?

I can appreciate that you aren't afraid. It is best not to walk with fear. There are other factors to consider here though. You are a deeply loved son and father. You may not be around to see the after affects, but what you are suggesting will cause a lifetime of pain for your mother and your son. You love them both and I can imagine that you would not want to trade your own pain for theirs. You're a good man and I know you can see the darkness in that route. You don't want them to suffer like you have.

You do want this pain you are in to stop. How can we do that? Honestly, I'm not sure. It is very complicated and different for everyone. I do however, hold hope for everyone that they can lead a happy and a full life. I hold hope for everyone who is depressed that the deep well they are in does in fact have a bottom AND a ladder. The choice to use the ladder is so much more interesting than sitting on the bottom. It is varied with multiple layers to explore. It requires you to walk back through the pain you endured on the way down, but you get to leave it behind on the way back up. You can even climb out one day for good and discover new land. You cannot do any of that from the bottom. All you can see from there is a crushing darkness. It is heavy and cold and it repeats. How truly boring! I climbed down with you today to offer you my flashlight. I cannot stay where you want to stay, but maybe you'll take it and see that the top of your well isn't as far away as you think. Maybe you'll see the climb isn't as hard as your mind wants you to believe it is.

If you are serious about what you wrote you need to be serious about getting on your ladder. Take someone's hand. Now is the time for help. It may be time to go IP for a while. Maybe IOP/PHP. Maybe you need a med change, but please reach out and do it now. Call your pdoc and your T. Go stay with your mom for a while. Don't be alone. Go to the emergency room if you need to. Call a crisis line. All of those are good options. There's no shame in any of them.

My young son is facing a potential scary medical diagnosis this week. He is upset and he doesn't understand why all of this would happen to him. He thinks he was cursed. I lovingly explained that we cannot control the cards we are dealt in life. We can only control how we play the hand from there. He may be staring down a lifetime of meds and nobody wants that, but I explained we do what we have to do to live. I explained mommy didn't want her brain to break and lose her mind. Mommy didn't want to take meds and I didn't ask for any of those cards, but I did what needed to be done to live so I could have more time. I did it because the sad part of my story was only a part of my story and because I wanted time to draw new cards. There are new cards out there for you, but you cannot see what they hold if you fold your hand early.

I imagine the mods will help you flag this post, but you need to add a trigger warning to it ok?