TRUTH IS...

I would have been a happy heterosexual had it not been for sexual abuse, specifically. And then add on insult to injury, the genital herpes and human papillomavirus (a term I have to keep looking up and copying and pasting because I have a hard time memorizing the spelling of the disease I have - I'm trying to throw in some sarcastic humor, to make myself laugh instead of cry, so you can laugh). I know many people have relationships with these diseases, and I know many people heal well enough to have sexual intercourse with others, but I'm not one of those. Both of those diseases are incurable, and both of those diseases can be spread through genital skin contact, including oral sex, and including condoms or dental dams. There's no way to fully protect against them since the shedding or viruses could be spread outside of condoms or dental dams. I'd feel awful giving these diseases to anyone.

And even if I were disease-free, I'd still have to deal with flashbacks during sexual intercourse with anyone - male or female or otherwise. It wouldn't matter, and it didn't matter. I've learned to be content with being single, and I meant that. Hell, in the 1990s and early 2000s, therapists nearly always tell those with mental illnesses to not seek relationships, even though studies have shown the benefits of having romantic relationships. So, I just followed suit and learned to be content (and wasted my youth yet again on suggestions that weren't always in my best interest - call it an iatrogenic effect comprising grief and loss issues related to the suggested treatments). And even if I did find someone I were happy with and married, my partner and I would have many troubles with sexual intercourse or any other form of sexual intimacy. My sexual abusers throughout my lifetime did this to me! They caused this! I wasn't genetically predisposed with some hereditary "PTSD gene" to cause this, but rather, PTSD results from trauma, and PTSD could have been prevented. Some of the research that I've read, albeit with mixed findings and a lack of longitudinal evidence, get me upset. I was victimized, and it isn't in the past! I'm reminded every day about my diseases, not just scars, but incurable diseases. I'm reminded every day about my abusers. Perhaps I can find joy and healing for my symptoms, but the memories, the flashbacks, and the continuous traumatic stress (medical) remain. I can do what I can to alleviate those stressors, and I can change my thinking (CBT) to mask my pain and approach things differently, but do NOT MINIMIZE the depths of what I continue to suffer from on a daily basis by saying it is in the past, or that I'm a sensitive person, or that other people have those diseases without having been traumatized/sexually victimized. I'm not comparing my pain to other people's pain; that's NOT healthy, and it minimizes the other people's pain, which I will not do. Anyone with any of the symptoms I've mentioned above has their own right to feel whatever they are feeling! I will not hinder that, and I will not hinder myself. What I will do is say that there's no fluid way of using CBT during intercourse to make the trauma dissipate during intercourse. There's CBT for everyday life stuff, and even symptom stuff, but what, should I do a thought record before, during, and after sexual intercourse to make the pain and fears of disease transmission go away? --Not that any of these things were suggested to me, but I could see it happening. And forget a sex therapist! --Gross! More retraumatization that I would add to the list of my continuous trauma - no way!

So, grief work - yes, I will do. So, asexuality, yes, a more precise identity. So, multiple sexuality, yes, also, because that is what goes on in my brain and in my emotions, not that I act on any of it; I don't; I'm asexual. So, being content with being single, yes, I can do that and I have done that.

I will not "throw sugar on this bowl and call it candy," as I heard on one of the Burn Notice episodes that I watched lately. I refuse to be coerced into "sexual healing" that "persuades sex victims into being sexually active." No way!

I will heal in my own way and in my own timing. But there are cultural issues that I have to deal with, too, and for that, no newbie counselor or culturally insensitive counselor can help me with this. I know enough that there are only a few therapists in existence who can help with this. Specialists aren't always covered by insurance, nor do they even accept insurance all the time; they are quite expensive - say, $200 or more per hour, give or take. Does it look like I have a grand to waste every month on therapy? So, while the rich could get their needs met through specialists, I'll continue to use what tools I have to heal. My reinventing a new name for my sexuality is healing. That's all I wanted to say.

Oh, but yeah, I did want to say that I'm happy for everyone else who is able to be who they are sexually, etc. What works for you may not work for me, but I'd prefer to be single and/or non-sexual. I enjoy watching romantic shows and comedies, so it isn't like I'm bitter about this or like I lack empathy for others who have maintained their sexuality. It is that I've been so hurt by the constant reminders of what my abusers did to me that I find little room to be free of those memories, no matter how many times I distract or find other things to focus on. A mere touch on the shoulder sends a signal to my body, then those signals send more signals to the memories of all the abuse and the diseases I have from such abuses. So yes, I'm reminded daily about these things, even though I've contained them, managed them, and so-called "healed" from the so-called "emotional trauma" from them. Healing, in such terms, means minimizing, not ameliorating; there's no cure; it's always with you, but with less intensity, lest you become revictimized in the future (in that case, it all comes back again, but can also be "re-healed" again, only, it's harder to manage and minimize the effects of the scars left behind).