I split with my wife back in April 2018, at that point it was over, within a couple of weeks we reconciled, and we agreed that I would stay at my parents for a few months while I sorted my mental health problems out, we were originally due to get back together in October last year, but things never worked out that way, I flipped and we decided to leave it another 6 months, I was preparing to go back in May this year and yet again, I suffered a meltdown, and this time, I ended things for good.
On this occasion in April/May, something really bad happened to me, I suddenly started getting flashbacks to my youth,
Possible trigger:
when I was school, I got bullied, real bad, let's just say as an example, if a GI treat a POW the way I was treat, it would be deemed a war crime, I was bullied physically and mentally, I was subjected to sexual bullying, one more than occasion I was dragged into a toilet, bent over a sink and be subjected to mock **** rape, girls even bullied me, they would find it funny to pin me up against a wall and touch me up and down, although I hated it, my body would go against me and I would get aroused and girls took some joy in that.
Then when I was 17, I ran away from my children's home, went into a pub, a man bought me a drink, and the next thing I remember is turning.up on my doorstep 3 days later in a mess, with evidence all over I had been sexually abused.
After that I chose not to engage in relationships with the opposite sex, I had the odd one night stand, but never nothing serious, I had come to associate sex with violence.
I never got into a serious relationship till I was 33 and we got married when I was 35 and separated about 9 months later, and been separated ever since.
I made the decision to end things, I had my reasons, I hate her family, who have been against me from day 1, they have slandered me time and again, and she just let them and would not let me deal with it, they would use my mental health against me and would also use my substance abuse against me, Its an over the counter medicine addiction, nothing illegal, but they called pretty much everything under the sun and I had to sit there and take it.
Anyway, I still love her, I was told I would come to regret what I did, and I do, I am being forced to eat **** by the spadeful, I want to be with her, but cant be with someone who cant see her own faults.
I think she purposefully tries to wind me up, especially when she told me about her new friend, that she was going out for meals with another guy, if she is trying to bring out my jealous side, it is working.
I have also lost friends because of my relationship with her, someone I thought was one of my best friends stuck the knife in my back and twisted it.
What can I do, I am struggling to let go, we have met up a couple of times since we split, now she has pretty much told me.
I thought a couple of weeks ago, there might be a way back for us, then a video of me downing pints of lager turned up on Social Media and she went mental about it, totally over reacted and spoke out against the company I keep, claiming my friends are not real friends because I dont see them from one month to the next and when my friends leap to my defence, she does not like it.
I had one friend who would constantly tell Me to work things out with her, told me to keep trying, now I believe any chance of Me and my wife reconciling probably died when my friend passed away last weekend.
I don't know what to do, I have a dilemma, try and get her back and risk losing my family and friends, because, make no mistake, I will lose a lot of people if we reconcile, because she does not like my friends.
Love is a funny thing...
Rant over, if you read all this thank you...