I am afraid I can't answer your question. I know of your bad experiences with Doctors and Hospitals so I understand why you'd want to refuse to go inpatient. However, if you're feeling suicidal, I'd suggest you to consider that option and to check yourself at an Hospital. It is certainly better than the alternative, which is doing harm to yourself and others. I am not sure whether they'll stop checking on you or not since it is their job to make sure that you're safe. In any case, whatever you'll decide to do, we'll be here for you. please stay safe, my dear, sweet friend... You're worth it. You REALLY, REALLY, REALLY, REALLY, REALLY are! PLEASE STAY SAFE!