Dear T, I don't know why I feel so bad. Well I do know really. Past stuff. I was triggered - badly. But you reassured me, I know it's all fine, it's always been fine and you've never let me down. I just can't get out of my head how it felt to turn up and wait and believe you had forgotten I was coming. It hurt so much. I honestly thought this was it, I wouldn't be seeing you anymore, it had all gone wrong. I'm trying not to get pulled back into that story but my heart is hurting. It wants to be pulled into it. I don't have the strength to keep myself okay and in the present all the dam time.