~Sigh~
I'm so sorry for your turmoil. In my experience, partners in a situation such as this tend to do a dual "Blame Myself/Blame My Partner" thing and it's not even voluntary. It comes from a deep place of fear and anxiety. The only thing I know that works at all is quite basic; to wit:

My husband and I, in a very similar situation decades ago, had to boil it down to this: "We are a team; we are determined to care for and support each other, and no matter what, that's what we still have, it's who we still are, and it's what we're going to hang onto." It's hard to reassure each other in circumstances like these. It is also, imo, absolutely essential. Feeling loved and supported is the greatest gift we can give each other.

I'm keeping a good thought for you & your wife.

Best,

Chyia