It sounds like this round of symptoms wishes to keep fighting with you some more. It is a good thing you are so strong. I think depression seems to play ugly tricks with your mind to have you believe it keeps getting worse and worse. You cannot fall off the floor! Keep reminding yourself of that.

Yes, you are reading that correctly. I went 38 years in a stable and happy state. I started experiencing some delusional thought last year when I was going through a period of PTSD when some previous abuse memories surfaced. I was also volunteering in a field that required me to do some research into some very depressing and dark subjects. I was trying to help children who were being abused, but it broke my mind after two years of non-stop focus on my work. The delusions ramped up and it turned into full blown psychosis one weekend. I was completely out of my mind. I only remember bits and pieces. I had to be taken from my home and hospitalized. I came down very quickly once medicated and the delusions and hallucinations stopped. This all happened last year in early November.

My doctors diagnosed me as bipolar despite the fact I have never had mood swings. They put me on Risperdal and then Geodon when the side effects from Risperdal were too much. I went to IOP and then therapy and I did all I could to adjust my lifestyle and avoid triggers. I've been stable ever since I was released from the hospital.

My doctors aren't really sure what to make of my case. They now claim I experienced 'brief reactive psychosis'. After 9 stable months on meds at the lowest dose they agreed it was time to see if I could thrive without the meds. I was a bit anxious to try because I am deeply afraid of another episode. The first one was very traumatizing for my family and I never want them to suffer like that again. I agreed though it was time to try so I tapered off. So far it is going well. I am still practicing all of the non-med related methods I learned to stay healthy and I plan to do so for life. I may be one of the lucky people that experience a breakdown and go on to live without additional symptoms but there is only one way to know...

I have a lot of empathy for what you are going through, but I do not understand it in the same way. I can only understand it in the way that I know what it feels like to have little to no control over your mind. I know how helpless that can leave you feeling. My heart is with you and I learn a lot from you every time you share. My hope is that I can assist by providing an outsider perspective as sometimes a pattern of 'other than' can help us when we are stuck on repeat.