I went and saw her yesterday and read the letter assigned to my abuser. I did fine up until the middle of it and started crying yet again. I couldn't believe it. I was kind of angry at myself because I felt out of control, but at the same time was thinking "Thank you". It's been so long since I've cried or felt anything about my abusive past.

My T was supportive and gentle as always. She came up beside me and squeezed my shoulder which helped me SO much from dissociating it all. She also brushed my hair back with her hand, which helped just remind me she was there and it was safe.

I thought I had gotten out of reading a portion of the hardest part of the letter because of the way she said something, but that wasn't the case. I asked her "So I can just skip this part, yeah?" She was like "Uh, no, I'm gonna be "mean" today." She doesn't have a "mean" fiber in her body but she wasn't gonna let me off that easy. Damn.

I hope this crying doesn't become a pattern. Though it's very much a relief when it's all over and done with, DURING it sucks. Though I suppose if I were to cry with anyone, I'd want it to be with her - she's the only one that can seem to just let me cry it out and not panic at me doing so, trying to console me. I need to just sob it out right now. But it's so exhausting!

It makes me feel so very small and I wanted so bad just to ask "Will you hold me?" But I couldn't get myself to do so. I KNOW she would if I asked but I just can't get myself to be so vulnerable in front of her yet.