Hypomania, which I haven't experienced for years now, used to be absolutely euphoric, feeling I was the most brilliant person in the world, pure joy...until it would turn ugly and transform to mania.

I chased that 'high' more than once by messing with my meds.

I guess the positive is the *experience* of that pure joy; there was and has been nothing quite like it. I have come close, not hypomanic, but I have yet to reach such heights on my own.

I know better now not to mess with my meds in the chase of that joy, but frankly I think it's less willpower on my part, and more the time that has gone by since the last time I was hypomanic, so that the wonderful memories have dissipated a bit. Also, what I also vividly remember is how horrific it has become after the high becomes an ugly, terrifying, psychotic mania and then the depression that follows. So I manage to keep my meds as is.

I do like and enjoy my baseline, for the most part, but I do, sometimes, miss the purity of that joy, and all-encompassing confidence that went with it...