I’m wondering how your T’s handle skipping therapy sessions. I like my T very much, but I’ve had a huge push-pull relationship for 2 years where I pretty much always struggle with coming. I like him and part of me very much likes coming, but part of me feels like I shouldn’t, so it’s a struggle. I’ve quit via email several times, then unquit . I’ve canceled sessions via email multiple times and I usually uncancel. My T says therapy is about choice and it’s my choice to come or not. Last week, I no-showed. It was totally premeditated. I just wanted to see how it felt, and honestly, it was strangely empowering. I saw him this past week and we talked about it and it was good. Then the next morning, I was scheduled to see him again (usually see him twice/week) and as soon as my alarm went off, I just stalled and couldn’t get out of bed. I was tired, and also came up with all sorts of reasons why going would be difficult for me. I eventually sent him a cancellation email about 45 minutes before my early morning appointment which was his first appointment of the day. To my surprise, he responded to my email which he rarely does. He said he didn’t get my email until after the session had started and he was surprised I canceled. He also said he thought it would have been better if I had shown up and talked about why it was hard for me to come that day. I feel sort of strangely affected by his emai response, in part because he does not typically respond. Mostly, I know he’ll be fine with it and it’s my choice whether I go or not, but I’ve also had moments of panic where I fear he’ll say he’s fed up with me. I also had a dream where I tried to talk to him about it but couldn’t because there wasn’t enough air in the room and I was suffocating. I realize this is probably unconscious stuff but it feels real and scary when I’m having those thoughts.

Of note, the couple of times I’ve skipped I’ve paid for my appointments, so I wasn’t completely standing him up. I’m just wondering how other T’s handle the whole skipping thing.