And, there's the familiarity that it was H who went through it with you last time. The similarities of not feeling well and it being H who was there last time make you think of him now.

Is there any way we can help you break into that cycle, that we can be here for you and replace H (we won't yell at you or trap you, that's not all bad :-)

There is no life - no life without its hunger;
Each restless heart beats so imperfectly;

Think of a song for yourself, to give yourself? You're having a hard time but you're working with it, doing a good job, doing the best you can for yourself and will come out the other end.