I think part of it is that I'm second-guessing my own "gut" feelings about the guy. Maybe it was completely innocent and that's just what he's supposed to ask to figure out what's really wrong with me. Maybe it's my own fault for not standing up for myself and actually SPEAKING UP and telling him I didn't want to talk about it. Maybe it's my own stupid brain that always thinks sexually.

I have no problem telling total strangers on the 'net about my sex life...but when a qualified professional asks me, I think he's harassing me.

Heck, I had no problem cheating on my husband nearly a dozen times with men I barely even knew. But I have a problem telling the therapist about the specifics.

By the way....yes of course there is "shame and guilt"...hello I'm married. And even if I wasn't...I was raised with the notion that sex only happens in a married couple, anything else is wrong. So yeah there's guilt. And embarassment.

Anyway...I'm just talking to myself here. I'm going to the other therapist - the new one - in about an hour & a half. The one from last week hasn't even called me or emailed me yet after I missed yesterday's appointment. Not sure what that means. If he never calls back I guess I don't have to make up some lame excuse why I'm not coming back.

Heck, maybe this in itself is part of my problem - the whole "idelization / devaluation" thing - one minute I respect the guy and think he's a good therapist and he can help me. The next minute I think he's going to rape me. Huge extremes. Black and white. Good or bad. Nothing in the middle. Hmm....I'm starting to think I'm pretty dead-on on my self-diagnosis...just have to find a professional who can help me.