I have a slight drug problem. Actually, the drug is not the problem. Fear of running out of it is.

My doctor prescribes me 40 tablets of Vicodin per month (10 mg/325 mg.) That's not enough. My Sig. Other is also on Vicodin and gets more than double what he uses. He gives me his surplus supply. That works out perfectly, so I have about exactly what I need. But this has been a rough month and I might run out, which is getting me panicky.

In the past, on 2 or 3 occasions, I told my boyfriend's provider that he was getting more than he needed. The provider disagreed. So, eventually, I decided: "Why look a gift horse in the mouth?"

I have chronic pain which the Vicodin wonderfully relieves. I take it at least twice a day. Rarely, I might take 4 in a day. I know that's very little compared to what most addicts will use. It greatly improves my quality of life. I've been doing this for a few years. The hydrocodone also makes me less depressed.

I ration the supply out because I fear using it up and having to go days without it. I would have no idea of how to get anything on the street.

I'm not sure why I started this thread. I'm not interested in hearing any sermons. I believe I've made my life better by using this drug in the amounts that I use. I do realize that I've become physically and mentally somewhat dependent on it.

Today I'm in the midst of a huge stress. I haven't taken a tablet yet because my stash is dwindling. But I'm paralyzed with discouragement because of this big stress that I just about can't face dealing with. So I'm thinking of upping my daily use to get through the current stress, but that might end my supply before refills are available. I guess I'ld like someone to tell me they know how this feels. Right now I can't get out of bed because of discouragement and fear of facing decisions I have to make real soon. Some Vicodin might get me over this hump and let me move forward.

I know exactly how I sound. However, the combination of longstanding depression and more recent pain issues is a load I just barely manage to carry. (I'm the weak type.) It would be nice if there were more effective meds for depression. For me there aren't. I've tried them all. Medical studies do validate that, for some depressives, opioids can be therapeutic.

Compared to the struggles of those who have wrestled with and, maybe, overcome hardcore addiction, this little saga of mine must sound trivial and stupid. I am in awe of former heavy users of opioids who found a way to cope with life without them. I don't understand how anyone stops using something that made them feel better. I guess, if your habit gets deep enough, the drug doesn't make life better . . . but way worse. I guess that motivates change. So far, I only know the good part of opioid use.

I'm not horribly depressed right now, but I'm on a trajectory headed in that direction. So I figure how many pills I've got and when I can get a refill. Then I have to decide whether to stick to my daily ration and ride this trajectory into the awful place it's heading, or up my use now and maybe pull myself out of a bad tailspin today, but know that I will have no pills left by the weekend. It's an unhappy way to think. Many here know that far better than I do.

Do I deserve any sympathy at all? Probably not much in most people's opinion.