I just want to be able to accept everything and get past this. I cant figure out how. I'll feel like I am doing well for a while and then BAM! Depression again, SI, drinking, sleeping..... I dont know where its coming from. Then by the time I work up the courage to reach out for help, I start feeling better and don't. Then I'll feel great again for a while. Then back down.Up. Down. I dont know whats wrong with me. I've become obsessed with my *b*s*. It bothers me because I have very few actual memories of what happened. I have allot of body mems. I have mostly mems of just before it would happen, the fear in my gut, panic then ... just the physical memories. I think it would be easier to deal with if I had more actual memories, but maybe not. I dont know. Its like I am constantly trying to convince myself, 'it happened, I didnt make it up.' Who would make something like this up? Noone, right? It's all just very difficult to sort out. It's all I think about. When I am awake or asleep. I havent slept straight through the night for at least a week. I know I need to talk to pdoc about finding a T but I am so scared to go. Last one made everything worse. ******d me up for a while. I have allot of trust issues, and that didnt help. I dont talk to anyone about it. I just push it down, bury it. I think its making me physically sick. I dont know, just wanted to vent and unload I guess.