Well, bpcyclist, that was a way kinder response than I was expecting anyone to post. Thank you for responding.

Congratulations on your 11 years of recovery. I am in awe of anyone turning an addiction like that around. I hope you are having success also in managing your depression and that the "brutal" episodes don't last too long. But, still, they do come around, and yet that doesn't drive you back to what could be quick relief . . . in the short-term. I'm pretty much a long-term analyzer myself. Though it may legitimately be thought that I'm not giving due consideration to all that one should consider. Since an opiate did help your depression, which can afflict you severely, you do appreciate how that factors in when one makes a decision to access a drug illegally. I'm not doing this for kicks. You rightly point out that I am dependent, as evidenced by how carefully I husband my supply. I'm not habituated to taking a lot of hydrocodone, but that doesn't lessen how vital the amount I take has become to me. My access to that amount is insecure, since my boyfriend's contribution to my supply could vanish abruptly . . . and will do one day, probably not too far off. (He's terminally ill.)

The relationship I'm in is rock-solid. Part of why I need this much analgesia is because my boyfriend, who is very ill and mobility-impaired, depends utterly on me for a level of hands-on caregiving that I could not otherwise provide to him. I keep him comfortable, and the pills keep me just comfortable enough to not feel I can't continue. He happens to not experience a lot of pain (yet,) despite his dire prognosis. He likes only a tablet at bedtime to help him sleep. That keeps him appropriately positive in the mandated urine checks he is occasionally given. So I don't see a high threat of getting busted, which I realize is not all that matters. My bf acts delighted that he can subsidize my supply. He gives the inaccurate feedback to his provider to keep the surplus coming (which I tried twice to discourage.) I don't mean to rationalize. It's just how this came about. I'm sure everyone has a story as to how their usage "came about."

I appreciate every word of your post. Thank you for discussing this with me. I'm glad to have had a chance to be candid about what I'm doing with someone. I'm not looking to change anything right now. Eventually, a change will likely be imposed on me, as circumstances change for my Sig. Other and me. I don't foresee my own provider upping my supply, when I no longer get someone else's surplus - not with the current pressure on providers to limit access. That's just going to get more strict.

My bf is in the hospital now, after a tough week with his problems . . . tough on both of us. Today I've felt like I am at the limit of my coping capacity. I might be able to get him into a nursing home for a short stay, while I recover a bit. IDK.

Tomorrow's another day. People get through tough stuff. You did. I did take about 13.5 mg of hydrocodone 4 hours ago (with my Ritalin 20 mg.) I might only need 10 more mg of Vicodin tonight, if my insomnia eases up. So that's kind of keeping within my "budget," and I'm finally willing to get out of bed. I just have to get through today. I might not feel so bad tomorrow. I sure appreciate hearing from someone.

Thanks for understanding how up against it I feel and the role that an opiate plays in that.