I asked so much. Tried so much. Help can't come because I'm too far gone to allow it. For a long time I've blamed myself as the sole reason people aren't around like they said they would. Had to be me, had to be me, I just kept repeating it over and over again. Then, later, I'm told by a voice that I can't help that I'm ill but not to expect people to stick around because my illness is like a contagious cancer.

Psychosis is a daily experience on various levels. Mood fluctuations are what I perceive as normal. Intrusive thoughts and impulses amp up anxiety pretty regularly. And flashbacks have been bad since September, which makes perfect sense to me. The weather alone can trigger them.

All of this is my fault for not getting the help I need, right? Fine, okay. I'm in the process of switching therapists, but I'm so tired of trying that I haven't called back. I had a breakdown instead of making it to a psychiatrist appointment and now - due to policy - I'm not allowed to have another until January or later. I almost want to just find a new psychiatrist in that time span, but is that really the right move? How will that look to the next doc? "This one isn't very compliant, so what they say means very little."

I feel so damn alone, on top of everything. I feel like my chest is too tight to speak and my mouth can't quite form words anymore anyway. Everyone's so wrapped up in their own ****, and I will never blame them for that, but that still leaves me with the same situation. Alone and no one who can/will ****ing listen. So, it isn't entirely my fault I'm alone, but it takes two. At least that's what I was always told.

I just want to lose my ****, at this point. I'm so tired of holding what little I am together. I want to quit.