A recent phone call with my sister brought up a whole bunch of %#@&#! for me. We were discussing her resentment towards our brother when she made a flippant comment, "I don't tell him how to raise his kids, or how Jonny will probably grow up to be gay." "Jonny" is 11. I didn't address this particular comment because the focus of the talk was how they don't get along and judgements of each others' childrearing practices.

But I thought, why would she say that about our nephew? How can an 11 year old be judged as gay. . .or as heterosexual for that matter? He's just a little kid being a kid. He doesn't have any effeminate characteristics, he doesn't play with Barbies. He's very intelligent, gets good grades, plays organized sports, plays the piano, is creative. . .an all-around great kid. I believe my sister's comment comes from a place of resentment that her same age child is rather low cognitively and struggles in many areas of her life.

What this brought up in me was a great deal of anger because ever since I was a kid, I've been judged as gay. I really don't know why? I don't know where people think they can make those assumptions or judgements about people. I don't see that I have any 'girly' mannerisms, or any stereotypical gay behavior (like tv portrays). . .I'm not into sports or cars like typical guys are. It always bothered me growing up because I don't know how to not be me. . .and I don't know how being me makes people think that. My aunt made a comment when I got engaged (early 30s) that thank goodness I turned out normal--they were all worried about me.

My therapist said that they're all wrong. That it is a reflection on their midwest, rural, conservative and narrow-minded way of being. They're all wrong about me and I'm just fine. But I take it so personally and get so hurt on the inside. Let me be clear--I have nothing against gay people and have gay friends, and coworkers. I struggle with my self-esteem anyway, and struggle personally with not feeling very manly in the first place. . .and then people's judgements of me just intensifies the issue. I analyze myself constantly and I just don't see what others are seeing. I know my therapist says they're all wrong. . .But now that I'm out of his office, I am thinking that he's just saying that to make me feel better, that if it were just one person it'd be wrong, but it's been a great many people over the years thinking that, discussing it behind my back, asking me candidly or slyly. . .I don't know what to think. . . .I'm happily married. . . .I probably shouldn't let this bother me. . .