To me, the bottom line on this kind of behavior is that it is really manipulation. You have different rules for different people and situations. By definition, that is an unprincipled approach to people and life. You have no guiding principles or ethics or sense of what is the right way and what is the wrong way to treat humans. You go with the wind. Whatever happens to work in a given moment to get you what you want is what you do. Maybe you want or need something from the person or you expect something from them down the road, so you let them get away with making a bigoted remark. I personally don't think it's about feeling close to someone, I think it is about power. These manipulators are exerting their power by what they do. And I don't think they are very nice people.