Quote:
|
Some women like "weird," and some women like being "weird" themselves. Don't put yourself down for being "weird." The thing is, communication is key to make that "weird" trustworthy, instead of a person who is quiet and "too mysterious." Women are cautious these days (due to being targets of so much harassment, victimization, etc.), so it isn't that they don't like weird, it's that the statistics for women being victims are so high that they just need to be able to communicate well with a potential partner and feel safe, understood, etc. You can still be shy and introverted, but you can also communicate your trustworthiness by stating to them what you like, even if it not mainstream. For instance, I'm "weird," but I like that about myself. I like wacky, silly, funny things, but I also like being a recluse at times. When I used to date, I'd explain that I'm more introverted than extroverted, and that I need my me time. Some guys were put off by that, some guys were okay with that. Many guys were not my type either. And this was before I became disabled.
|
That is true, but here I do not recall really ever meeting these types of open-minded women. I think that you said that you lived in Northern California before, but I am not sure if you have lived within San Francisco city limits recently. There is what is informally called a "club of normalcy" where people have to adhere to what is considered normal or be "out of the club", where not only do people try to avoid you, but word gets around and they spread to other people about your weirdness and more people start avoiding you. What I do realise is that there are a lot of backstabbing gossipers who make sure that "weird" people get left out from social circles.
Where I live is basically the IT capital of the world, and this brings a lot of men, most of whom are quite weird but act normal on the surface. However, the women are mostly neurotypical very streamlined "normal" compared to the men, and acceptance of alternative thinking or hobbies not really favoured here.
I understand the need for safety in the case of women, but what it seems to me is that even if I explained my quirks, they just think that I am a flat out weirdo. I often state my hobbies, chess and foreign languages, and the most usual reaction is one of being baffled. "Why do you not go hiking" or "Why do you not go clubbing instead?" is what I often hear. I have had numerous bad experiences, and it may be clouding my judgement, but if I keep hearing the same thing over and over from them it is not really encouraging me.
Reading body language, knowing when to say the right things, and other very neurotypical behaviours are expected here. I would say that, based on my experience at meetups and events, the vast majority of women here are extroverted, neurotypical personalities. You have to "know" how to carry yourself with wit and be outgoing, or else be considered weird. I thought about this, and it is like playing blackjack--you never really know when you will hit "21" with your next card. Likewise, you never know if you will offend someone just by saying something normal, and what your next move is is always critical.
For example, here was one conversation that I had in a group of people around my age (20s and 30s) at a socialising meetup in a bar a few months ago:
Man 1: Lots of people here, good vibes.
Woman 1: Yeah, great music too, get ready to party!
[music starts playing]
Woman 2: This is, like, my song! Go Shorty, it's your birthday, we gon' party like it's your birthday!
[starts doing a little self-dance]
Woman 3: Hey _______, you know that song right?
Me: No, never heard of it.
Woman 2: What?! Where you been?! You not get party?
Me: Not really, I prefer music from the 1960s and 1970s, like Bread and the Carpenters.
Woman 3: Uh...who?!
Woman 1: What?
Woman 2: You a old dude or what?
Me: I feel like I were born in the 1940s instead of the 1980s.
Man 1: Er....
[silence for a few seconds]
Woman 1: Awwwwwkwaaaaard!
Woman 3: Um, it was, like, nice to meet you...Bye
Man 2: Yeah, I think I am going to, like, go that way…
Woman 2: See ya, would not wanna be ya!
Things like this happen all the time. I often feel angry and embarrassed that I inadvertently end up in these situations where no one seems to understand me.
Quote:
|
I've spent some time in both So. and No. Cal. I can agree with you there about the "fake." Nevertheless, there are many people who are not "fake." It's a matter of finding the right circles that match your interest and are very welcoming, especially for introverts. Things like events open to the public at universities might help, or even book events. Additionally, and what is most important here, is that it is healthy to have a circle of friends (both male and female) who are your social capital, and it is healthy to meet a young lady who also has a healthy circle of friends/social capital. Those friendships will help in times of need or times when relationships get tough. It also demonstrates that you are trustworthy to a potential mate, especially if you do jive with a person you date and later, on like the fifth or so date, you can introduce her to your friends. You may need to take some steps for you before approaching the dating field, only so that you are more secure in what you like. You mentioned that you like to dress up like other famous people, which is okay, regardless of what other people think. Your style is your style. Own it. When other people make fun of you, counter it with, this is me, and I like it, so I will sport it the best way that I could. However, if you're dressing to impress but it isn't your style, then switch it up and find what works for you. You are the important one here. The right kind of woman for you will like your style because you like your style, and she will be into you, not some money or status quo look. But, it doesn't hurt to have friends who are truly your friends and will be there for some helpful advice. It also helps if you are the advice-giver for other friends as well. I know with mental disabilities it is hard, but it isn't impossible. Introverts have friends, but they just need more alone time than most. Having other introverted friends may be helpful. Therapy could actually help with all these things, as well as support groups. But so can finding things you enjoy, like academic conversations. Maybe attending conferences, where other academics as well as future scholars (those on the PhD track) will align with your interests in academic conversations. How do I know this? That's hopefully the track I'll be on in the next 4 to 5 years, but I've met many of those people, and I, myself, like academic conversations - right now, because I like to learn (I don't know much), but later, because those are the conversations I want to be good at with others whose interests are the same.
|
I am trying a bit hard to get some sort of semblance of a friend circle. My best friend, whom I knew since we were 5 years old because we attended the same primary and high schools and were in the same school year, left San Francisco in 2009 due to getting sick of the city. He was basically my circle back then, and would introduce me to people. Since then I have been on my own, and it has been quite tough. I did meet a guy from Minnesota a few years ago at a meetup, and he more or less is my only male friend. A few other friends whom I met at meetups left San Francisco due to getting sick of the city (there seems to be a pattern here), and it seems like when I do seem to build a circle, it collapses because that friend leaves permanently.
When I resembled John Lennon's look, I got some quite brutal criticisms. Quite a few women called me names like "dirty hippie" and often people avoided me. Of course, that did not deter me, but still it was annoying to be alienated for so long. I find it ironic as well that in San Francisco, which was essentially the birthplace of the hippie and counterculture movement, people denigrated me for looking like one.
Right now I have the Ray Manzarek look:
The criticisms do not stop here. They seem to dislike John Lennon and this guy as well. It seems like they do not really like oldschool looks. But still, like right now, I am wearing my 1960s aviator glasses, still have long hair and still weird. Not to delve into politics deeply or anything, but people here are very capitalistic--making money at all expense, and denigrating anyone who refuses to be part of the money-hunting game. I am not rich, do not make six-figures, do not care about making tonnes of money and generally think that making profits like that is disgusting and immoral, so I essentially do not see eye-to-eye with over 90% of people here.
Quote:
|
That's great that you're self-aware to know what you want in a relationship and who are the incompatible ones! That said, opposites do attract, and some healthy relationships can arrive out of those who are opposite; they're not necessarily incompatible. Nevertheless, if you prefer another quiet, shy, introverted type, that's awesome! There are many women who are into literature, academics, and not necessarily the PhD tract (which would take a huge chunk out of their family time and oftentimes comprise some levels of extroversion). You can find them in various circles, and they need not have a degree. Perhaps writing a list down of what you're looking for in a woman would help. The point is not to find a "perfect mate," but rather someone who is perfect for you, with all their imperfections. Some of those imperfections might be great for your relationship, and whatever differing qualities you both have might complement both of you. Again, the best relationships begin first with friendship, and most healthy, long-term relationships comprise having a social network that combines your friends with your girlfriend's friends. It would help if you started seeking friends first, and really figuring out your style. You can boost your self-esteem while still being a quiet, shy introvert. You need not be fashion savvy to find a mate, either. You have many qualities that are attractive to some women, and I'm sure you'll find many qualities that you're attracted to in some women. You are self-aware, but you need to be proud of what your self has to offer.
|
I have heard of opposites attracting. But here at least, it seems to be a case of opposites repel completely, and the women whom I have met have not been accepting but the opposite--judgemental and superficial. Maybe somewhere, in some random part of the city, there is a woman who is the complete opposite of me and accepting as a person. But really, generally people here at not accepting. That "club of normalcy" is taken quite seriously, and "weird" is not tolerated. At least at the events that I attend. Which is again, very ironic, considering that San Francisco were the birthplace of the counterculture movement, and being weird was seen as the "normal" here. But that was decades ago. Times have changed drastically, and for the worse.
I have degrees in biology, mathematics and chemical engineering, and am planning to study medicine in Europe in the future. So I would fit more into an academic setting. However, most academic settings and events here totally revolve around IT--a field that to put it bluntly, I despise. Differential equations, count me in; same with engineering or medicine--count me in. Coding with Python and JavaScript--count me out completely.
I am also weird but very blunt. People here are seriously fake--now there is a "joke" which has a lot of truth to it--the fakest place in the Western Hemisphere is no longer Los Angeles, but rather San Francisco. Saying that everything is "good" when it really is not is common here. Saying that something is "bad" or saying that you dislike something is seen as a taboo here. Voicing contrary opinions is taboo. And since I am a very blunt person, people seem to get offended a lot. Taking the IT thing for example--if I I am in a group and everyone works in tech, they ask me about my background and if I am in tech. I respond that I am not in tech and that I seriously dislike it. Everyone in the group either gasps or looks at each other like I just said something horrifically abominable. And then they try to avoid me next time, and spread to other people that I am a "rude" person.
Quote:
|
The women who insulted you may not be your friends. They may be the wrong crowd to ask for advice. Some women might actually find those styles you mentioned attractive. As I stated above, the point is whether you like those styles or whether you are dressing to impress. If you like those styles, keep them, and wear them proud! Self-esteem doesn't matter what other people thing; what matters is what makes you happy. Sometimes our mental illness gets in the way of being able to read others or even ourselves, but you seem very intelligent and self-aware. You also know what you want and don't want. You can find friends and mates who align with your interests and styles. It may be challenging when our interests aren't mainstream, but they still exist. I have to start over with making friends, and it is a long and arduous process for me because of my disabilities. Nevertheless, I begin with neighbors and move outward over time. I don't rush into anything. I do what I can to discover more of who I am and what I like. You can do these things, too. It's not a matter of quitting; it's a matter of time and trying out new things, even though you're introverted. Technically, I'm both introverted and extroverted, but I lean more towards introversion these days. I'm proud of it, and I like it, no matter what others say.
|
You make a good point. Self-esteem, by its very name, is esteem based on oneself, not anyone else. I should not give in to believing that I am a bad person just because so many other people say so. Those women are definitely not my friends, but the women here whom I meet are very similar to the others whom I had met previously. I am going to be blunt again, but here where I live I have had the misfortune of meeting some seriously vile people with truly disgusting characteristics about judging people based on very superficial reasons.
I just got back from my trip to Germany and Portugal. People were on average much nicer and less judgemental than back home. More genuine and simply kinder. I wished that I lived there. I think that everything, from circle of friends, to dating the women, would be way less complicated than back here. But this is the situation in which I find myself. Trying to make good of a bad pack of cards.