@StreetcarBlanche

I've been meaning to respond to your thread, but barely found it just now. (I'm a superposter, so I probably have a lot of subscriptions to go through to find and respond to posts; sorry.).

Based on what you stated above, have you had "assertiveness training"? It's a form of therapy that helps to reduce your anxieties by getting used to asserting your boundaries, typically with role play with your T first and then with nonsignificant social situations (such as asking a waitress to get you an extra drink, or to replace something you had ordered), and then with significant anxiety-producing social situations. It's an escalation of desensitizing your fears/anxieties while trying to be assertive, which increases self-efficacy, psychological hardiness, and self-esteem in certain ways (maybe not all).

Also, the situation you described about the road trip is traumatic! First, even if you were to comply with the request of putting a magazine away, being told that someone you know has a is a trigger in and of itself for those who have PTSD, etc. Although your brother was asserting his boundaries when he asked you to put away the magazine, it may be the way he asked you that was also rude, angry in tone, and triggering (even though he did, in fact, have a boundary that truly needed to be respected and heard). The reason behind him asking you that is a triggering topic, too, for some people (not all). Then, when you didn't comply with his request/boundary, he acted out in anger toward you - both verbally and physically, which is traumatic. The issue could have been resolved in a different way, such as (1) you putting the magazine away to respect his boundary, followed by (2) you stating that the topic he brought up was triggering to you, and that you need to assert some boundaries of your own, including, "From now on, when you have a boundary, you don't need to tell me the reason behind it." Also, in some cases, boundary requests can conflict with others' boundaries. Maybe you needed to read the magazine to relieve anxiety, so as to focus on something safe while you were in the car; that could have been your boundary that conflicted with your brother's boundary; both boundaries are okay to request, but they conflict with one another, which means that, in the future, you both have to limit your contact with one another (not necessarily end it, but just know that you cannot be in a situation where you have no escape plan to leave).

Part of asserting our boundaries are not just with other people; it's for ourselves, too. It's about a safe lifestyle change you make for you. In this case, you know that you need to be able to have enough money saved for escaping a potentially anxiety-producing and/or dangerous situation via a cab ride, an alternative transportation route, etc. You also need to have your cell battery fully charged in case you need to call police. Additionally, you can decide to schedule short visits with family while making your own plans for transportation to and from. If you cannot afford the travel that way, you can explain to your family that you simply cannot afford to come (I've had to do that). If your family offers to pay, ask up front whether or not this is a loan or a gift, and make sure that your family doesn't turn it around on you later, or use it against you later, by reiterating what they said (maybe keep a journal with toxic family members); I've had to do that with my own family before I made the decision to go NC (no contact). With friends, you can prepare in advance to have an exit plan if you feel uncomfortable with your surroundings. For instance, don't rely on friends giving you a ride to and from, since they may change their minds or not be willing to give you a ride home early if you don't feel like staying at an event. If you don't have the money or the means to do that, then you can decide not to go on such an outing with friends you don't completely trust (in such cases, they aren't your friends; they are probably acquaintances).

Finally, if you're noticing that a lot of the people you know in your life are treating you a certain way, such as gaslighting, scapegoating, etc., you have to ask yourself why you choose to make such friends, and if those choices stem from unconscious "familiarity" with the abuses you've had in your past. Making healthier friends would work best. It's not that you cannot be supportive to unhealthy people or acquaintances; you can. But rather, it is that you can limit your time and distance with potentially toxic acquaintances/family/friends while spending more time with safer others. Those safer others will not feel comfortable to you at first because they lack the subconscious familiarity we have with toxic others; most healthy people take time to get to know new people, so that may seem strange at first because toxic people tend to rush into relationships too quickly. Those are personal self-boundary issues only you can make; it's not the other person's responsibility to make those choices or to be the non-toxic person. Some people have not had enough treatments for their own behavioral problems, so they may be toxic and not realize it, even if you profusely acknowledge all of their toxic symptoms.

You deserve to feel safe. You can assert your own safety rules for yourself and assert your boundaries with others. You may be afraid of retaliatory behaviors from those whom you've asserted your boundaries with, or you may be afraid of further criticism, ridicule, and gaslighting (also forms of retaliation). If they are important people in power (or those whom you've given power in an otherwise parallel relationship, such as a friendship or significant other), then you may be afraid of rejection or relational loss (to me, not the same as abandonment, though some professionals will claim that this is related to a fear of abandonment). At any rate, your anxieties stem from fears that could be challenged in real life situations, not just in thoughts. You need practice to do so, not just recorded thoughts (though they help.

Try asking your T about "assertiveness training" and role play to help you desensitize from your fears. --That or other similar therapies might help you.

(((safe hugs)))