That sounds like a toxic environment, or a culture for which there are some serious divides! Perhaps you can't move out of that culture (at least not right away), but there are safer subcultures to find when mainstream culture is that ostracizing. I'm sorry that you went through all that, and all those microaggressions.

Perhaps that is the "modal personality" of the culture for which you live; the hiding who you are (e.g., weird) by wearing masks of normalcy; it's as if that is that culture's way of regulating emotions and reducing cognitive dissonance in terms of rejection and fears of encountering differences. Nevertheless, there's a disadvantage to a specific group of people when mainstream society decides that "masks" are more important than authenticity. Again, I'm sorry that you struggle with this.

You have some awesome hobbies - some of which are attractive in their own right! The feedback you have received comprises differences between hobbies, one being more intellectual, the other being more physical (e.g., hiking). What say those physical extroverts who encounter someone with a physical disability who cannot do those things, or people who prefer intellectual stimulants to physical stimulants? They are closed-minded if they will react to you as if their way is the only/best way. It speaks to their lack of cultural and individual differences, their lack of diversity training and empathy for different others. It's one thing to not be compatible, but another to be judgmental. They sounded judgmental and rude. You're right; this is not encouragement, and it does little to boost your self-esteem. You need more healthier environments with like interests, or even healthier environments where people know how to build trust with someone who likes different things. It's easier, however, to find circles of people who hold similar interests because the chances of being judged harshly get reduced.

Thanks for understanding the safety issues with women. To me, that means so much hearing that from a man. (I was hurt by men in my past.) But what you have experienced is not the same thing; you experienced rudeness and judgment. For men, I can see how those responses you've received were "not safe."

It's almost as if the culture there equates "weirdness" with "bad." That isn't true, and it certainly isn't a rational or healthy way to look at social differences, or diversity. Most of the women there may be as you described, but there is still hope to find women who aren't that way. It may be harder to find in such a culture, but it exists somewhere. I was born and raised in So. Cal., and I left because I didn't quite fit with all the other women and the other men's expectations. I also dealt with a lot of trauma while there, too. It's stressful to have to figure out what your next move is, and when it boils down to it, you have to build your psychological hardiness enough to know that you can only be you (without the fake mask), and that you can learn to enjoy being you no matter what mainstream culture says.

Kudos to you for going to a bar and trying that environment. That said, such an environment brings out the extroverts and mainstream people, unless, of course, it is a different kind of bar where more introverts hang out (which is hard to find). Perhaps finding a different venue that doesn't attract primarily extroverts might work out better. More feedback to follow with your example below...

[QUOTE]
Man 1: Lots of people here, good vibes.
Woman 1: Yeah, great music too, get ready to party!
[music starts playing]
Woman 2: This is, like, my song! Go Shorty, it's your birthday, we gon' party like it's your birthday!
[starts doing a little self-dance]

[/QUOTE}

Was it you doing the self-dance? If so, good for you!
Also, you're picking up on the conversations that extroverts typically have when entering an extroverted environment. It's interesting for us introverts to see as bystanders, but harder to engage with. While we understand their happiness, they might not understand our forms of happiness. You captured the differences so eloquently, as if an ethnographer who studied cultural anthropology, or as if a participant observer. Sometimes us intellectual introverts enjoy the scene without actually being part of it, and even if we hold some insecurities of our own. It's good for you to explore different environments and to embrace cultural and individual diversity! However, this should be a clue that such a group will not equate to what you are looking for, and seeing such clues at the outset will help determine how you will spend the rest of the night. To boost self-esteem, know that you are in a diverse environment and are different from those in that environment; like a foreigner visiting another country on vacation, see the environment as a unique place for you to engage in while also knowing and being proud of your own differences and roots. That might help you with your analysis of your surrounding, your understanding of how you represent yourself as your true self in that environment, and appreciate the differences without making it a negative judgment on yourself.
It was rude and ignorant of those extroverted people to respond the way they did to you. It was demeaning, and it speaks to their lack of training in diversity. You could easily replace that situation with a foreigner who visits another country, or a refugee who is trying so desperately to assimilate without losing his/her own cultural beliefs and practices. You did well in engaging the conversation and answering their (rude) questions or comments. I'm sorry you went through that! What should have been a more appropriate response would be, "Hey, your interests are unique, different, but interesting. Can I hear more about what you like? Say, maybe we can change the juke box or music and have a party with those songs. It would be fun!" --My mock response here speaks to the ways in which extroverts could still maintain their authenticity while engaging with introverts who are appreciated for their authenticity. Like cultural differences, we can learn about each other's different likes and dislikes while also coming up with an activity that we can all share together, a healthy give-and-take. If those are people you know, maybe they felt that they could be blunt with you. However, if those are people you don't know, that was really rude of them! Actually, it was really rude of them to say that no matter if they knew you or not, but sometimes when we know people, they try to fix us and transform us into someone like them. Not cool when you truly don't want to be like them; you truly want to be respected for who you are.

Do not take what they said to heart. It was an extroverted environment, kind of like a foreign land to introverts, and they weren't welcoming. It's a learning experience, but not a place you would return to find a date/mate. It's a great place to visit once in a while, that is, without the rude responses, but it's not your typical cup of tea.

Liking what you like is actually really cool to me! I grew up with a family who listened to Lawrence Welk and folk music. I still appreciate music from the past, music that most of my peers didn't know.

When I was 40 and an undergrad, it was so hard for me and my peers to agree on music, movies, etc. Half the time, I didn't know what they were references, and most of the time, they had no clue what kind of things I liked (except if their parents liked the same things I liked). I was often mistaken for being someone's mother, as opposed to being a student. I lived with it, and I reminded myself I was there for a purpose. Nevertheless, some of what I heard hurt and reduced my self-esteem. It took me a while to bounce back. There are many differences in life, and sometimes we have to assure ourselves that we're not the problem here, that we deserve respect, too.

I've felt the same feelings you have felt. We have a right to our feelings! You're not alone. And please don't take any of those things to heart.

It would seem that the friends you have made were healthy, and they probably seen the same issues you've seen with the toxic environments and behaviors from the mainstream culture there, which is why they moved. They could have also moved for personal reasons, such as family or work or grad school. It's sad when people we are close to leave. It's part of life, especially at your age. You can still maintain long-distance friendships through online social platforms or through snail mail or through email/phone, but I know, it's not the same. Their leaving is not a reflection on you, as you may already know. But it's hard to keep moving forward when you feel some grief/loss from those experiences. Nevertheless, it's important that you do keep moving forward. Maybe one day you'll be able to move. Or, maybe one day, you'll find the right circle of people and hopefully a mate to be with in SF. Meanwhile, keep trying, and keep finding support for you. You have many attractive qualities, and you know who you are. All those things are so important for you! And, you have a lot to offer this world and society; you have different POVs, different tastes, and different styles - all of which can help our world and society in ways that most people take for granted.

You know more history than I do! Thanks for that! Anyway, they are rude and ironical, indeed! I faintly remember John Lennon, but I do know the reference. That seemed like a cool look that others should have respected. I'm now wondering, why the disdain? Are there political reasons for this, not just stylistic?

That's a cool look! It almost reminds me of that 70's TV sitcom. PS: I had no idea who Ray Manzarek was, but after looking at the pic, I remember him from somewhere. That's an awesome look to sport! Whoever thinks differently can go suck it - just kidding, I think. You have a lot of attractive qualities, and having your own style speaks to the good parts of your self-esteem, the parts where you are authentically you! That's awesome! You're not trying to fit in with everyone, but you are kind enough to know and appreciate differences. Sadly, other people are being really mean and nasty toward you. You deserve to be you and not have others try to change you. Those are not friends; those are judgmental, toxic people.

I'm so sorry you are struggling with the toxic dynamics of their culture. There may be benefits to their culture, but it's hard to see when you're not a part of it, and are a target of their criticisms and political vitriol. There are some nice people in such social groups, but they are hard to find sometimes. I love aviator glasses! I own a pair myself - the kind that look like mirrors. They don't look right on my face, but once in a while, I will wear them just because I like them. Anyway, you are aware to know the differences between the SES classes, and they are subcultures themselves, often politically charged. It is hard, especially in this day and age, to find some common ground or kindness from those who differ politically. I'm sorry you struggle with that, too. Still, it shouldn't be a negative reflection of who you are.

Down the road from SF is Berkeley. I visited both UC Berkeley and Stanford a few years ago. Both towns are drastically different! Berkeley might be a better place for you to find more welcoming circles with similar interests. There were many people who matched your description, and I visited about 5 years ago. I'm not sure how far you are from Berkeley, but it might be worth a trip every month or so. Again, I'm sorry for all that you are going through with being a target of attack. That's not fair or right, especially given the history of SF.

Wow - you must be super intelligent! I used to love all that, but I've missed my opportunity to study all that. I've also never taken a chem class, not even in HS. I want to learn for fun, but not for a grade, because I know I will suck at it. Still, it would be awesome for me to get to the level of learning organic chem. But I may be dreaming here, LOL.

Anyway, your plans for the future are awesome! IT is a different field, altogether, but I have friends of all types who hold different interests, including science, medicine, psychology, law, IT, criminal justice, etc. I try to find something nice in each discipline, even though they don't always see me or my likes as something they admire. I'm into criminal justice now, but I have a bachelor's degree in psychology (minored in a subfield of CJ though). I qualified years ago for a computer science course involving Fortran and C++ at the time, I believe. That was back in the early 1990s. I decided that IT wasn't for me. I liked more of the social sciences. I would give anything to have your talent with math, chem, and other hard sciences! I was able to earn A's in math courses such as calculus and statistics, but I cannot remember much of the math anymore. I miss having a mathematical mind. I miss the equations and problem-solving. With your talents, and with your goals, I'm sure you will make for a great mate to some lady with similar interests. I have a mentor whose husband works for Harvard, and she met him there before she graduated from Harvard. She helps me with writing once in a while, but I cannot afford her fees at the moment. Anyway, they are happily married, both from Harvard; her husband being a physics professor at Harvard, and she being a Literature Major. They have completely opposite fields, but, from what I hear, they have the most interesting conversations. They do have many other similarities, however, such as religion and SES, but they are so friendly to "the underdog" or to those who are not as affluent as they are. When I think about their happy connection and marriage, I think of you. I know you will find someone, but maybe the timing and place is off. Maybe you might meet the woman of your dreams in SF, or maybe you might make many friends around the world, some of which started off in SF before they moved, and then later, connect with them to share in your successes, and among one of them, find and/or reconnect with the woman of your dreams - to settle down, have kids, start a career. The skies the limit, and with your skills and talent, you could make six-figures! But, even if you make that high of an SES, you will still be kind to us lower SES folks. I know it!

Don't give up! You have so much going for you - so much more than you know right now.

It seems like conformity is a value in that SF culture of elites. I'm so sorry you are struggling with all this, but you have a right to be you, bluntness and all. Maybe you can change the words you use when you are blunt, but don't change who you are just for the sake of conforming. Sure, in workplace settings, it might be more appropriate to conform, but in your own personal life, and in some aspects of your job, it is important that you be your authentic self. Maybe find ways to appreciate the tech guys once in a blue moon, but find people who are more interested in the hard sciences that you really enjoy. I'm thinking of math clubs, math conventions, chem clubs, forensic science conventions, biology conventions, etc. You're likely to find more people there who are appreciative of you than at techy places. It's sad when there is a divide between tech and the hard sciences. I know there are cultural differences, but I also believe in collaborative science and interdisciplinary research. Imagine what could be done when both tech and hard sciences work together, appreciate their different cultures? You may not be best of buds, but it's possible for both parties to understand their differences while maintaining their authentic selves.

See some of my comments above. You have a right to your feelings, and those women were cruel toward you. Maybe they have a lot of unresolved issues of their own. They are definitely not the ones who you (or even others of their caliber) would find mate-worthy for long-lasting relationships, that is, unless other guys are looking for "trophy wives" or are into the whole "serial marriage" addiction. All their differences and verbal attacks aside, you deserve someone who fits with you, and those women just aren't good fits for you.

That's awesome that you are exploring the world and noticing the differences in culture. That experience alone should demonstrate that you will find the right circles eventually, and that there are many different types of people other than what you've experienced in SF. You have so much going for you, including your intelligence to see the differences around you. Your dress style and taste in music, etc., are awesome! They may seem unique to people in SF, but they may not seem that different from other circles you have yet to discover.

I hope some of my feedback helps. I don't know much, and I'm certainly not as smart and talented as you are, but I do know that you deserve more than rude remarks and microaggressions. You will find your mate one day. It may take time, but you'll get there. Don't give up!