Sadly but also, not sadly, my therapist once said that sometimes the only thing that helps us change is hitting rock bottom. I know you have been at or near rock bottom a lot since we met but I do think you are trying and sometimes it takes more than one try to improve. And perhaps, some of us have to accept that some of our issues will always be with us.

It is NOT your fault. So much of it all started when you were just a kid! You have to figure out a way to cope including improving your depression. You are going to have to keep looking for a Pdoc that listens and considers your requests. I think you are smart enough to make improvements. You said you have some good days. Try to hold on for some better days.