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Sometimes I wonder if there even is a God up there. I was always told that I should "feel" something but I never felt that feeling people talk about. Even when I was still a good person and I hadn't sinned.

Then sometimes I feel like I've done so many horrible things that I'm just not worthy of being happy. That I've brought all this upon myself and it's my own fault my life is going to pot. I was given so much and I'm just ungreatful and this is my punishment. A lifetime of unhappiness....all for a few moments of stupidity.

I just don't know what to believe anymore.

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I'm so glad you turned to God in the midst of your despair. Please know He is there, and heard you. It might take a little bit for the PEOPLE He wants to help you to line up like they "should." Don't take that as a denial of love.

Depression is telling you lies (I can't say this enough!) and thinking that you are not worthy of being happy is one of those lies. I seriously doubt that you have brought "all this" upon yourself, nor do I believe that "this" is any punishment. Things happen. Things just happen and the body has a way that it responds, sometimes it's response is not good for us.

I will also pray that God will show Himself to you. Do your best to see Him work in your life...sometimes it begins with the smallest of things to be thankful for.