Just yesterday I was thinking about people who haven't been around in a while. I thought of you and wished that you were well and that you'd reconsider joining in one day. Poof! Here you are

I am sorry to hear you are unwell. I imagine the feelings you are experiencing at the moment are excruciating. You reached out here though, so that tells me you wish for change. That's wonderful and the exact start you need to turn the tide.

I am a very firm believer that our thoughts and that which we choose to place our focus upon assist in the creation of our reality. There are complex factors at play and many are out of our control, but there is a lot we do to shape our lives. Our beliefs define the range of experiences we allow ourselves to have. You cannot change your experience without changing what you allow to come into your world. You cannot change your experience without challenging your self limiting beliefs.

You believe you are unworthy of being here. Let's test that for accuracy. You created that belief. I remember the scenario under which this occured. You decided to leave despite several members letting you know your presence is welcomed. You contributed regularly and I witnessed you adding value on several occasions. Nobody asked you to leave. Nobody judged you as unworthy of being here. I am glad you changed your mind briefly enough to make this post.

You now have the opportunity to change your belief and be open to the support offered here. You can choose to believe you are just as worthy as any of the rest of us. You can believe you have value to offer. Once you open yourself to new experiences, they can come forward. People will support you. You will have opportunities to add value. It won't all be perfect, but you're aiming not for perfection. You're aiming for better than being alone.

You believe you deserve to suffer. You will continue to suffer as long as you carry this belief. You will view every negative thing that happens to you as deserved and it will feel right to you. OR, you can challenge this belief. You can instead believe that suffering is something you experience, but it is not your entire story. You can believe you are worthy of more. You can believe that you deserve to experience love and joy just like anyone else. If you believe these things your eyes will begin to open and you will allow different experiences to come forward. You won't cut them off or shut them down because you will feel it is good and right for you to have them. You may still suffer, but it will hurt less because you will be allowing for balance. From experience I can also say that my greatest times of suffering have also been my greatest times of love beacuse I allowed myself to love myself through them. I allowed others to support me and love me through them. It made the suffering hurt a lot less than it could have. You can do the same for yourself. You have to do the work to change your belief first.

You're deep in these beliefs and they will take time to change. It is as if you've been commuting and driving the same road for a long time. You know the route and you're almost on autopilot. I am asking you to consider making a sharp right turn and blaze a new path. I am suggesting you go off road completely. That can feel scary or it can feel like a new adventure. You'll need to wake up and recognize each time you're driving on the old road and then put on your turn signal to get off that highway each time you realize it. You'll need to force yourself onto the new and uncomfortable path over and over and over and it might feel like a lot of gear shifting and your car may suffer a bit. There will be bumps and potholes until your new road is paved properly. Your car is strong though and you have good shocks. Trust it can handle the wear and tear. Eventually, the new path becomes comfortable. You'll realize it is shorter and you prefer driving in it. It will become second nature and easy on your car. It will be fully paved and it will come complete with exits that lead to all kinds of preferable destinations. You may still take that old commute from time to time, but now you will have choices...

Just food for thought. You're a thoughtful guy, so maybe you'll be open to a bit of this. Take only what resonates and discard anything that rings false. Keep in mind that anything that scares you probably does so because the truth can be scary. I wish for better for you SorryShaped, but what truly matters is what you are willing to wish for yourself.