Session was a bit weird. Spent like an hour talking about my teenage years. Talked about significant teachers I had. I hardly remember any of that part of the session.

Said I was frustrated we hadn't connected. I said that's basically what motivates me to get in the car for an hour and come see him each week and I will go away frustrated if I feel that's not happened. I said I wouldn't come all this way if it was to just to talk about my past. I said it is my attachment that motivates me to actually drive here and spend most of my day on that journey. I said that I know that's bad, that it's all about wanting the connection. I said I dont care but I imagine it sounds bad, maybe to him, or would to others. T said "so you drive here, we sit, we talk, we make eye contact, we hug, you leave. What do you get out of that?" I said "something I need". I said that I think some of it is trying to fill a hole from the past. T said "I think connection only works in the present. I said I had thought, but filtered and not said

We started talking about my sense that it wasn't enough to come just for connection, and that I don't care about the therapy part of it so much. I can't remember exactly what it was in response to, but T said "almost like we're having an affair? I said "I like that thought" then I was like "I want to unpack that but we only have 5 minutes left. T said "what do you want to say or ask?" I said "what did you expect that comment to elicit in me?" He said "I wasn't trying to elicit anything, I was just commenting on your sense that it was wrong to come and see me just for connection".
We hugged and it felt like he wasnt there. For the second week in a row.

I don't know what to think about that comment. I don't know if he is being provocative, or if he doesn't hear how it sounds. He has said a few things which have suggested mutuality of ET over the last few weeks, only really subtly, like this, but I don't get it. I don't know what he is trying to do, or if he is trying to do anything. He has a new supervisor who is a bit of an ET expert, and also psychodynamic, so I dont know if that is influencing him or if he is just.. I don't know.