Yikes, do I have problems!
For starters, I have extreme mood wings. I get extremely anxious, depressed, apprehensive, etc oer things that don't matter that much. It can even induce suicidal thoughts- and these are things that are irrational.
I went from being actively suicidal (had a plan, wrote a note, set a date), to being perfectly happy, calm and joyful within hours (felt suicidal and then woke up the next day feeling fine).
I had a feeling that my dad hated me because I did something that annoyed him. Because of this,
Later, I came out of my room and he wasn't angry at me anymore at all, he was friendly and smiling as usual. I immediately felt relieved, and stop feeling guilty. This happens a lot, where I catastrophize a situation and then later realize it wasn't a huge issue, or even an issue at all.
I also have a huge fear of abandonment within my friends. I worry sometimes that they hate me and want to leave me, or that they only hang out with out or moral obligation. A lot of the time I laugh and have fun and joke, but a lot of the time there is still this fear of abandonment. I constantly worry where I stand. I get jealous when I see my friend hanging out/ laughing with someone I don't know, and when they show even a small hint that they don't like me or do not at the moment want to be with me.
I know I'm not depressed, because I can still be happy or joyful, but I think the real thing is that I have intense mood swings and am emotionally unstable. I worry that I could become suicidal again (my suicidality is temporary and most of the time I am not suicidal, but I become suicidal at least once a week), and when I become suicidal again I could snap and just do it, even though I still have times of happiness in my life.
I know this is quite a lot, and that I really sould speak with a professional, but I'm scared to ask my parents to take me to a professional and I'm worried about talking with the school psychologist because I don't know this one and I just get anxiety thinking about it.
Thank you for listening to my impulse-vent. I just felt the need to share mad personal stuff with a bunch of strangers