I think your grieving. For what could have been,should have been.When you married you wanted to make a life with him together. I understand what your saying...I am the same way right now. Its been 3 years for me . Now I am trying to rebuild a life from what was my life for 36 years. My grown children are all happy from what i know. See them on stat days. Hope you can get the funk out,i am trying and i hope to be soon too.