Echoes I just wanted to say your post really resonated with me and thank you for sending it. I read it last night and it nearly made me cry actually as I've been struggling with very similar feelings - it's not wanting the therapy so much as wanting the connection with T. I also experience frustration and even panic when the session goes on and I realise I haven't felt the connection I need. It's odd as we can be talking about significant things and T is listening and showing empathy as usual...but I don't feel what I need. There has to be some discussion or overt sign of deep emotional caring or I will go away completely dissatisfied. Unlike you, I'm not able to be honest with T about this but after reading your post, plus issues that have come up for me this week around disconnection, I think I need and want to have this talk. My T sounds much like yours in being caring and open but I'm just too scared. I have a lot of shame around needing the connection as well - it feels wrong to go for that even though when I look at my life so far it makes a lot of sense that I would need what she is giving me. It's so hard isn't it.
I can't comment on the ET side of things but I can see how confusing that must feel that he's making these comments., I think for me it would stir things up more, even though it probably isn't the intention. Maybe he's trying to show it's okay to bring these things into the room and talk about sexual attraction? He sounds very genuine. My T is genuine, but sometimes things she has said have inadvertently made things harder to deal with.
Anyway, this probably isn't helpful, but you're not alone and I appreciated your post.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Echos Myron redux
Session was a bit weird. Spent like an hour talking about my teenage years. Talked about significant teachers I had. I hardly remember any of that part of the session.
Said I was frustrated we hadn't connected. I said that's basically what motivates me to get in the car for an hour and come see him each week and I will go away frustrated if I feel that's not happened. I said I wouldn't come all this way if it was to just to talk about my past. I said it is my attachment that motivates me to actually drive here and spend most of my day on that journey. I said that I know that's bad, that it's all about wanting the connection. I said I dont care but I imagine it sounds bad, maybe to him, or would to others. T said "so you drive here, we sit, we talk, we make eye contact, we hug, you leave. What do you get out of that?" I said "something I need". I said that I think some of it is trying to fill a hole from the past. T said "I think connection only works in the present. I said I had thought, but filtered and not said
We started talking about my sense that it wasn't enough to come just for connection, and that I don't care about the therapy part of it so much. I can't remember exactly what it was in response to, but T said "almost like we're having an affair? I said "I like that thought" then I was like "I want to unpack that but we only have 5 minutes left. T said "what do you want to say or ask?" I said "what did you expect that comment to elicit in me?" He said "I wasn't trying to elicit anything, I was just commenting on your sense that it was wrong to come and see me just for connection".
We hugged and it felt like he wasnt there. For the second week in a row.
I don't know what to think about that comment. I don't know if he is being provocative, or if he doesn't hear how it sounds. He has said a few things which have suggested mutuality of ET over the last few weeks, only really subtly, like this, but I don't get it. I don't know what he is trying to do, or if he is trying to do anything. He has a new supervisor who is a bit of an ET expert, and also psychodynamic, so I dont know if that is influencing him or if he is just.. I don't know. |