Thank you, guys.


I have always perceived my problems as mostly existential. Every crisis I have can be reduced to this one issue: how can life be meaningful when you don't have any affinity with technology and yet your were pushed into exactly that by your parents and are living in a society that does not seem to allow people to even consider anything else. For now, I feel as if I am merely keeping busy in order to not be able to think of these issues. But that's all it does. Whenever I slow down - and I don't even dare to think being obliged to take a vacation when I start working again, I mostly refer to moments like transportation, meals, showers or going to bed - it's all coming back to me twice as hard. I feel as if nothing is ever going to change fundamentally and that at some point - illness, retirement or even having to take a vacation - things will hit me even harder than they have recently. I am already starting to feel tired, so exhaustion might force me to slow down any time soon.
Moreover, I'm experiencing things that scare me. I've never been raging mad before. Neither have I ever had the urge to become agressive.
I am trying to address the feeling of meaninglessness by trying to find a job away from technology. So far I hardly got any response (and if I do, they point out I will make less money and won't be happy in the job. As if I haven't given that any thought myself). My anger and urge to become agressive give me the feeling I am a ticking time-bomb. It scares me.

As for medication: SSRI's (sertralin and citalopram) and a SRI (trazondon) cause sleepiness, an SNRI (duloxetin) had the same effect but the evolution was slower, with wellbutrin (buproprion) I had convulsions and had to stop immediately and finally a tricyclic antidepressant (I don't remember which one) put me to sleep almost immediately. While I took citalopram, I gained weight (26 kg, from 80kg to 106kg, in one year). I also took rilatin because that would 'wake me up'; It worked, not for me though but for the company that was selling the pills. The last time I saw a psychiatrist, he told me not to count on medication anymore.