Thanks for your reply.
My friends are mostly there when I reach out. Physically they are too far away, but we can talk or chat online. Yes, it is nice if they sometimes make the call first and reach out to you, but the reality is that they can never know when you are really struggling and really need them. I understand and accept that.
I feel guilty reaching out, and get anxious I push them away by being a burden.

I need to learn to sit with an emotion and not let it overwhelm me. It feels like I am being pushed over by a tidal wave. I struggle to stay upright as I get hit in the chest by this wave and then start flailing around. That's usually as I reach out in a panic