Loud-talking guys ogle me as I lean across the cafe table enjoying my coffee. I can feel their collective gazes crawling over me like ants. They've been staring at me all time I've been at this cafe, elbowing each other like they've never seen a pair of boobs before. The downside of being beautiful is that it draws creeps out of the woodwork and makes them feel entitled to treat me like a piece of meat. If Juni had been with me, she'd have jumped the table and whacked the grins off their faces. It wouldn't have been the first time. This is why I took on Laura: to help my daughter go through the early stages of growing up, and to help me overcome my low self-esteem. But my biggest fantasy is one of the guys seeing me as their doctor, and I prescribe them a strong laxative instead of what they need as a patient. In my dreams.

Being attractive had a negative effect on me for unwantingly becoming a man magnet. A series of failed relationships put me off them big time, and recently a non-starter relationship with my friend after ten years almost made me a recluse for fear of being hurt, over and over again. I recognised the friendship had turned abusive and jumped clear. Bbecause being beautiful can be threatening. In the past it sparked defence in me. Consequently I took lessons in unarmed combat which became useful over the years because self-defence is an advantage against the more unruly patients out to get a hit. Or when going home from work - was I being followed? Would I have to react again in self-defence? Once into my truck I'd feel safe again.

Despite having low esteem, I learnt to become assertive. Assertiveness even stopped nastiness from other women, jealous because of my good looks. Walking into a room, girls would take immediate note of my presence and many of them would look resentful at my attractiveness. Rushes of jealousy became visible on their faces and I was met with everything from glares, stares and even bitterness. Still, my attractiveness is having to be constantly worked on, yet I have to look presentable all the time I'm on duty. It's a constant balance to look good when applying makeup, but not deliberately go out to look seductive.

Citing Anderson and Nida (1978): 'Highly attractive people of the same sex were judged as less talented than average-looking people'. Consequently my becoming a doctor changed that perception somewhat except it was to my emotional cost of becoming very lonely, afraid to engage with people in a social way. An example of this was my medical talent has not easily been acknowledged.

Surely my looks would be just too good to be true for me to be considered as intelligent? Instead, newcomers froze at my dazzling smile and bewitching eyes, and they just can't get their eyes off me. And when I was with my best friend, she wouldn't introduce me to her boyfriend for fear of losing him to me. When I felt something was wrong and I asked, she admitted to feeling intimidated by my attractiveness, and then said it wasn't possible to be friends with me anymore. Oh well, that is life. But then, insecure and jealous women would love to see me fall. Consequently, this is why I needed to take extra care to protect myself, but at the same time not hurting anyone.

I tried counselling, but it didn't help, though my best decision was wearing mirrored sunglasses to lessen the impact of being stared at. Men, even teenage boys would eye me in the street and wolf whistle. I'd avoid going near building sites, for those places are the worst and I would avoid sites like plague.

I'm blonde with piercing blue eyes, and each are ringed with dark edges. My eyes, beautiful as they are can look larger when I apply eyeliner and mascara and I like that look. But that never stopped people wherever I went, even in supermarkets. Consequently I retreated into myself, afraid for that fear returning: what would they do to me? My teenage years were painful, too, so I stayed at home and did extra studies, avoiding social media only because I couldn't be bothered or felt too tired. But the reality of being on social media was attracting all the wrong people who just want to get me laid, and that is why I developed a distrust even in my very closest friends.

Some suggested I took up modeling, but why should I put my body out there to be objectified? So next time you see a hot woman, don't assume she's taken or has a full social life, or that she's never lonely. Because you never know what sad experiences lie behind that perfect smile. Shunning parties I stayed at home to study paediatrics. Being hit on by collagues (which is tantamount to sexual harrassment) in my previous hospital job caused me to be self-effacing, yet people wrongly assumed that my attractiveness would have the opposite effect.

Looking back, I remember some went gone out of their way to harrass me on social media. And then there are those who find it easy to quickly hate me once they realised that I'm articulate as well as attractive. Because as soon as you possess a few of the traits most valued by our society - beauty, intelligence, a sense of humour, etc. - you have officially become the target of fuming resent. This was why half my activities was to work around that and try not to do anything to further aggravate the problem. And gradually, gradually, I realised the good things I was doing were bringing joy and happiness back into my life. And there came hope.

Even when my daughter's minder Laura arrived, everything changed for the better despite it being only a short time. Now, being seen with her has put stop to this constant harrassment. Men still stare as they will, but they look at Laura and stay away. I've had to tell my daughter to wear sunglasses lest she receives the same treatment from boys, but she's far better about handling it than me despite inheriting my attractiveness. She also gave me permission to share this, lovely that she is.

In the end I realised it would be best if I just go for a stroll along the beach with Laura and my daughter for company. Bubbly company. Linking arms with mummy company. Loving mummy because she is kind and caring and putting her daughter first before everything, and Laura loving being with me because she's already been there and come back from the nastiness of jealous people in the same situation, and laughs at life just like my bubbly daughter. Because that is how I define beauty in joy now. Joy and knowing happiness comes from within, and tough if no-one recognises that.