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Originally Posted by Lonelyinmyheart
The word transference sounds pretty minimalizing but in reality it's something everyone does, in therapy and out. It's basically using our past experiences of people to form assumptions about present ones. It can be enormously helpful for psychological survival but also be harmful if it keeps you from seeing things as they are now.. My T actually doesn't use the word at all as she sees our relationship in the room as something taking place between the two of us in the moment and that it has reality in the now. She thinks it's natural that it will create strong feelings due to the emotional intimacy of the therapeutic relationship. Of course there will be feelings from my past because I have a lot of unmet needs that are coming out onto her due to the feelings of nurture etc I get from her, but it's also a real connection (when I can feel it) because I see her personality as she is today and I connect with that. All that said, I know I need to talk to her about what I'm feeling from the past as they are causing problems with the connection but it's very tough.
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Your T sounds good. I like the fact that she doesn’t use the word “transference” because it does sound minimizing as you say. I think my T uses it because he knows I read a lot and I’ve used it before although when I’ve used it, I was probably trying to create distance or minimize my feelings. The reality of it, though, is when you feel the feelings they feel very real no matter where they may be coming from. Last week my T said he thought my feelings were stemming from my relationship with my father who was generally emotionally absent during my childhood and then took his life when I was a teenager. I asked my T how I can stop putting these feelings on him and he gave his usual answer, “we talk about it.” It sounds so simple, but I don’t often know how to do that or where to start. For me, it’s about not wanting to take up too much space which I may express by withdrawing or feeling guilt or shame about having needs among other things. It’s hard to do talk therapy under those circumstances.