Hi BipolarWolf. I understand fully what you are writing about. I will say that when you start to feel better, your self image may change in a positive way. Kinda like a new lease on life.

I remember after the five worst years of my illness ended, things felt really great for a while. I was in my early 40s then, but could have sworn I was 29 in spirit and energy. I even looked in the mirror and thought I was younger again! I was hot s**t!

I had a couple rough years again, then settled into a comparatively peaceful place. I'm a few years older than you, but definitely don't feel old. I'm cognitively fine now, though had experienced some impairment in the past from episodes/meds/sedation. I feel much wiser and more sensible than ever, nowadays. That does show aging, but it's a positive thing about getting older. It's satisfying.

I may well have challenges ahead again, but I'll worry about them if/when they come. I'm trying to enjoy what I can in the present. The more I do that, the less I even think about being one age or another, having more gray hairs, being a bit chunkier, or whatever.

Keep working at becoming stable and lessening side effects. Keep helping your brain to heal. Work hard at savoring simple pleasures.