I just need to tell it someone...

This year, I began to study two schools at once. Composition at a conservatory and IT at a technical university. It was a really bad idea. The amount of things I had to do was big and it didn't have good impact on me.

I also got some sort of creative crisis which was very bad. I felt that music doesn't make sense at all. I'm not sure if it was due to depression, or if the depression came because of the crisis... but it's probably not important.

Four days ago I finally realized that I must stop it. I felt really sick, anxious and suicidal. I decided to leave the conservatory because music was so tiring for me. I left the school only temporarily for now, I can return there, but I'm not sure if I'll be able to do so.

I talked to my composition teacher about it. I didn't want to do so, but I was meeting him for quite a long time and I thought it would be rude not to tell him anything. He told me that he had a student who came from a technicians family (as well as me) and had hard time pushing ahead his career as a musician (as well as me). He developed schizophrenia during his study, stopped to be able to attend the school and slowly found out that music was actually the trigger of his illness. Well, it's quite scary...

I don't like this idea, but when I thought about it, I found out that it could be right. Maybe. I'm not sure. And it's horrible for me. I dreamed of becoming a composer and my dreams are fading away. I can't study two schools at once because I have bipolar disorder. I might not be able to create music because I have bipolar disorder. And there's the idea that music could cause it...

I feel so bad now.