Tonight I climbed a mountain. T called me this afternoon, asking if it were possible for me to come any earlier today, so of course I accommodated him as he has for me many times and I came an hour earlier. it was no big deal. Maybe it was the content of my day combined with the change in routine but I had a hard time in session.

I was telling T about a phone call I had with my son's school and all of a sudden I felt I was about to cry. I couldn't figure out where this was coming from and he asked me to stay with the feeling. I had a sense of wanting to push my mother out of the way. T suggested that maybe I need to look at my son's school issues through a different angle. It felt like criticism.

Then I kind of froze and before you know it I was laughing. Talk about mood swings. Then I became dissociated, confused and couldn't put my finger on any single word or a feeling.

T became annoyed or actually I learned he gets anxious but I perceive this as annoyance. I am sensitive to his demeanor. He tried to get me out of my confusion by pushing me to be present. When this happens I shut down even further.

I talked about the parallel paths we travel and how we hold different truths about things. I mentioned his perception of how our rupture improved was actually quite different from mine and I went on to explain my "defining moment."

He told me that when I become dissociated/confused that he goes into a very dense place and he can't see a way to help me. In a way, this is comforting because it means he's with me. But it frustrates the heck out of him.

I told him that when he tries to push me out of the confusion it actually makes things worse. i told him that I felt as though I were in the midst of a tornado with disjointed words flying around me and that when he stays calm and talks I stay very still and try to hold onto his words in order to stay present. It was really hard to describe this and let him know where I was. I cried as i told him.
He thanked me for telling him this. When the session ended I don't think I was very grounded, but I put on a good show and chatted as I walked out the door.

As I drove I became increasingly anxious. By the time I got back to work I was a mess. I left him a series of phone messages (4?). I was extremely fragile and having a lot of suicidal thoughts and urges to cut. T called me back and said he literally had one minute to talk. We talked and I cried. I said that I was in a lot of pain but couldn't touch it. I told him that I would journal and then leave him a message.

Within 20 minutes of journaling I was able to get in touch with intensely strong feelings of abandonment, invalidation and non-existence.

I called him and left a message. I hope he can return the mesage later or in the morning.

Maybe I was right all along. Maybe the poison inside of me is simply too much for him to absorb. It feels as though I repel him the way I repelled others from my childhood. I become invisible. It's a safe place to be.